The Frozen Turkey Stun Ray Made the Summer of 1970 Three Months of Shocking Leftovers

Last night, a startling revelation came to me in the form of a rabid seahorse. THEY HAVE RETURNED!

Wawa Testimonial #9285-U: "There are TOO MANY CHOICES!!!"---The Whamminess.
The sandwich-selectification contrivance chastised her for hesitating in her decision-making process, an irritated beep "Do You Want to Continue?"

TRAPPER KEEPERS, FRONT AND CENTER!! THE WHAMMINESS HAS UTTERED AN OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION REGARDING HER MOST IDEAL SANDWICH!! *Ahem* The Whamminess prefers
Honey Smoked Turkey, Tomato, Honey Mustard, Swiss Cheese on Rye. TOASTED!!

By the by, there is a giant meteorite headed towards this planet at devastating speed. It cannot be destroyed via military hardware; it must be EATEN. Gather the biggest mouths of humanity to save the world!! Carly Simon! Steven Tyler! Mick Jagger! Goldie Hawn! The singers from Buck Cherry and The Cult whose names i cannot recall! SAVE US, YOU ARE THE JAWS OF HOPE!

Someone from Ontario, Canada typed in ' "The Birdman" Koko B. Ware ' and found my blog. So i will now namedrop several other perhaps long-forgotten wrestling personalities to spark the same results: Greg "the Hammer" Valentine, Scott Casey, Baron Von Raschke, Colonel DeBeers, Gino Hernandez, "Mr. Usa" Tony Atlas, S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones, "Hollywood" John Tatum and Jack Victory, Tony Garea, The Fantastics (Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton), Hiroshi Hase, Dominic DeNucci, "Yukon" John Nord, Chris and Mark Youngblood, Chickie Starr, The Gambler, Jeff Gaylord, and "Red Rooster" Terry Taylor. Thank you very much!

See Jane Poison a Diva...Someone in Hollywood Owes the Whamminess a Lot of Money

Jane Fonda has returned to the silver screen. Who ordered this comeback? Surely, there are those absent from the cinematic scene more worthy of a high-profile rejuvenation: Joe Pesci, Christopher Lloyd, and Steve Buscemi are names that immediately pop into my grey matter. "Monster-in-Law" is a vitriolic escapade into the timeless animosity between bride-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be that features Barbarella and The Fly Girl J-Low engaged in a 100-minute tete-a-tete for the attention of the vapid catalog model who kissed Drew Barrymore on the pitcher's mound in "Never Been Kissed". The movie was a pounce on the memory banks as Fonda's unabashedly unlikeable uncharacter consistently provoked images from figures in my personal life. Not good. Didn't make the movie an altogether enjoyable experience. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS HAD A CATHARSIS!! IT IS LIKE A SMOOTH CREAM RINSE OF COCONUT AND BERRIES!) had mixed feelings about the movie. i hate 90% of the movies that i see, anyway, so this wasn't an unusual scenario. More importantly, all of this hoopla for Fonda vs. Lopez is undue and Wanda Sykes' wise-crackin' sidekick character was cumbersome and derivative. BANG BANG!! i've seen worse...

sayonara, martian maneaters.

Writing my Autobio on Liquid Paper

Hideous Injustice #440---The dim bulb at the Barnes & Noble doesn't believe that i am a bonified, certified educator of impressionable youth. This evening, i attempted to purchase two books using my Educator's Discount card, but the fella wouldn't give me a nod of admiration; i would have settled for a grunt in my general direction, some inkling that i was in front of him and intended to make a purchase. He didn't believe i was a teacher despite showing him the appropriate identification, and i am forced to consider this to be a life-altering event.

Chyna Doll? Joanie Laurer? *Sniff Sniff* identity crisis on toasted rye with a side of reckless abandon, hold the mustard. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS CANNOT TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A WALK!! I DO NOT SCOOP THE POOP!) espied her in Uncle Zoogie and Uncle Vinny's Bar in CT several years ago. Someone asked if she was really Chyna, she turned to my future bride and asked, "I don't know who that is. Do you??"...write your own ending to this intro, kids.

Gonna go watch "Punky Brewster" now...

A Nursery Rhyme for a Padded Cell

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
the cuckoo clock on the wall

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
seems to know it all

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
every hour on the dot

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
all i want is one clear shot.

The Best Reasons are Shrouded in Mystery

The schemes of mankind are worth a chuckle. What a wonderful experiment. The dust from the ground is going somewhere, whirling upwards into the mouths of clouds. The nature of the generational saga is in front of us. We can talk about the history, if that kind of conversation has any meaning, which i doubt. i get it, now. All of these cultural illusions sound like Sylvester Stallone. Promise me that you won't get mad at the universal reaction to the scene; we understand that there is anxiety. That was part of the fun. See me dancing? I wish that the primary language, this religion of mediocrity, would get brushed under the carpet.

Sayonara, legal eagles.

The Assassin Bug vs. The Destroying Angel

i posted a long one today, so i will try to keep this blog brief, just a couple o' t'ings i gotta mentionalize:

1. Math problem: Hippopotamus + Hypnotist=?
a) Hippotist
b) Hypnopotamus
c) The Hypno Hippo
d) Ray

RIGHT! Let's talkafy 'bout 'nother topic. Have a bottle o' pop and pull up a stool...

Let's design a Royal Rumble. Everyone loves a 30-man, over the top, battle royal. It's good for your pancreas. Here's the order of entry--hope you enjoy:
1. Captain Caveman
2. Bull Shannon from "Night Court"
3. Hefty Smurf
4. Bizarro
5. Rocksteady (the warthog goon from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles")
6. Peter Griffin
7. Wilmer Valderrama
8. Slimer
9. Radioactive Man
10. Cameron Diaz's stunt double from "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"
11. Tim Conway
12. "Major Dad" Gerald McRaney
13. Bebop (the rhino goon from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"14. Magilla Gorilla
15. Jose Canseco
16. Eric Idle
17. Atom Ant
18. Solomon Grundy ("Solomon Grundy Hate Superfriends!")
19. Scrooge McDuck
20. Kel
21. Kenan
22. Luke Perry
23. Courageous Cat
24. Dick Dastardly
25. Mer-Man
26. Cobra Commander
27. Dave Seville (the guy who takes care of the Chipmunks)
28. Gossamer (huge, red-haired monster from the Warner Bros. 'toons)
29. Dynomutt
and, of course, we all know who drew #30...
30. "The Birdman" Koko B. Ware

sayonara, pencil sharpeners.

Natural Disasters Need Better P.R.

Sophisticated bibliophiles will celebrate this namedrop: Too Much Coffee Man. i mention the name because i am the living embodiment of his darkly roasted demeanor. Coming out of the invigorated lucidity is akin to the final scene of every episode of "The Incredible Hulk"--Dr. Banner afoot on the highway, Sad Walking Away Music as the haunting melody of his affliction.

Within the past 48 hours, i have consumed coffee with calculated consideration with earnest hopes of the provocation of various nighttime visions, and my subconscious has delivered: i worked in a brightly-lit corporate environment, the envy of my colleagues who tried in vain to match my productivity. Suddenly, straight outta an Irwin Allen 70's classic--EARTHQUAKE!! Loud and catastrophic! i boomed the command to my co-workers: "SCATTER! FLEE! RUN, ASSHOLES, RUN!" i shoved my immediate supervisor out of the path of harm when a ceiling fan plunged from its ceiling fixture. He threw me a grateful grin and a thumbs-up, but i didn't have a second to respond; a zip-line (?!?!) materialized and i was zooming helter skelter, plucking professionals from peril and tossing them to safety (where was safety? didn't know...i reckon that's the kind of minor detail that is overlooked but ought to be reasonably addressed...hey, just like a big-budget disaster movie!). Eventually the disaster had ended, metropolitan serenity restored, and i found myself on an elevator to the 57th floor of an adjoining, apparently undamaged, edifice. When the doors opened, i saw three lumberjacks, stench of maple syrup and melted crayons in the air, who celebrated my name as the Savior Superior, showering me with gifts ranging from $10,000 in five dollar bills to every episode of "Tales from the Darkside" on something DVD-like called "Maxi-Disk" (square and transparent). i was also given a green pentagonal gumball which, when concentrated upon, gave its user the ability to re-arrange television continuity to his/her diabolical whims. Okay, so what would you do in that situation? What's that you say? Hmm? You would take two horrendous sitcoms that never should have existed initially, "Mork and Mindy" and "Martin", and mash the 2 together? i concur. Mork was a philosopher without any extraordinary abilities who often sought the advice of his hip, jive-talkin' MIDGET friend, portrayed by Martin Lawrence, who dwelled in a subterranean hideaway. They would play Uno and hit each other over the head with empty plastic bottles. Studio Audience laughs on command or suffers posterior flambe (hot seat!). i rule the t.v. mainstream with an iron fist, and i am not referring to the martial arts Marvel Comics hero of the late 70's-mid 80's.

By the by, during this entire dreamscape, i was wearing a kilt.

Yeah, i don't know what i am doing here, either...

Nonetheless, It Was a Delicious Reuben and a Scrumptious Piece of Apple Pie...

Those out there in Nifty Zippy Dorito Land who have read my wife's blog (THE WHAMMINESS HAS STUNNED THE HULKSTER WITH A DEVASTATING ATOMIC DROP!) may find this particular (OH DEAR...THE WHAMMINESS IS HOVERING BEHIND MY SHOULDER WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS DECLARING THAT I AM ABOUT TO BE "PATSHED" FOR ASSOCIATING HER REGALOSITY WITH THE WORST WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF THE INDUSTRY) post dangerous nuclear candy; Bergen County, one of the wealthiest counties in the United States, is a cesspool. A morsel of free-of-charge wisdom to those travelling the GSP or the Turnpike in their Windstars or Pontiac Hatchbacks or Volkswagen Jettas: If you want to avoid being slurped ravenously into this quagmire, depress your foot upon the pedal on the right until the gauge somersaults into triple digits and maintain your speed until you hit the Tappan Zee. i have lived amongst the lot of Bergen County cookie crumbles for nearly 21 years before i fled to the sanctity of central NJ, and i can communicate only despair and "tsk tsk" in regards to my erstwhile residence. i have been in my hometown (name withheld because go fuck yourself, that's why) for the past two weekends cleaning out my wife's (WHAMMY TO THE 27TH POWER! IT'S INCALCUABLE!) grandmother's house. All of the debris of the universe, the accumulation of galactic afterbirth, was gathered in dusty, grimy gobs throughout her infested abode, and naturally i had to wear the Mr. Helpful hat and play nicely. My reward? Gratitude. Eh. I'll cope.

sayonara, nailbiters. Heed my words!

Mergers of the Regular Ol` Infinite

For this Purim holiday (happy happy to all the Heebz), my wife (THE WHAMMINESS ORDERED A WEDGE OF LEMON IN HER WATER AND THE LEMON DID NOT ARRIVE!! DUST OFF THE GUILLOTINE, IT'S SLICE AND DICE TIME ONCE AGAIN!!) adorned me in an outfit that was the recipient of many compliments--here i am, writing this blog, a gefilte fish. She attached googly eyes on cotton balls and blue felt fins to a hooded sweatshirt. Oh yes, i had a tail, as well. Much amusement. Feel inclined to titter and snicker and snort. Ha-ha. Okay, that's enough. Next one who mocks me with laughter gets a Junkyard Dog headbutt. Actually, considering my luck, you'd get the headbutt, but you'd have a Wild Samoan Sika skull and wouldn't flinch. The pro wrestling devotees out there in McMahonLand know about what i type. Yeah, i have to admit, i was a hit at the Purim Carnival at the FVJC/Emek Shalom. Now, the outfit is a permanent costume for all occasions, calendar holiday or lassitude-fueled Sunday afternoons.

"Peeps". Okay, this is not safe. Clearly what are you eating, a sponge? i am referring to those Easter delicacies that populate the CVS and Walgreens for $1.09 a dozen. "Oh, it's Easter, it's the ascension of Jeez-Us-Kryst, let us rejoice with marshmallows." That J-C junk is toilet marmalade. My wife (WHAMMINESS DON'T COME CHEAP!! AIN'T NO COUPON CLIPPING TO GET THIS CROWN!) opens the package of Peeps and sets them atop the fridge to CEMENTIFY. If i shut the freezer door with unnecessary authority, one of those boulders conks my noggin into a Grand Slam breakfast platter. Ugh, these euphemisms require too much effort. IT HOITS!!!

i have a new toothbrush, the Reach Brightener, the one with the polishing pads. This is good, this is very good, a good thing is a rarity nowadays but let me put it this way: Coral is NOT a cast member of the latest Road Rules/Real World Challenge, so perhaps she has it all figured out right now. Yeah, that's likely. Optimistic? ME? Oy...

We went to eat at Applebee's this evening. My wife (TOO SLOW!! WATCH OUT!! WHAMMINESS AT THE WHEEL!! STEP TO THE SIDEWALK PLEASE!! THIS IS MY ROAD, CONSULT THE MANUAL! [i will tell you she drives quite competently, i have often informed her that she should star in a series of safe-driving films about motoring with responsibility in the Garden State]) parked the car as i acquired the table. i told the hostess to look for a cute, little lady with long, brown hair and a black jacket and send her in my direction. i saw my wife (WHAMMINESS WAS THE COOLEST CHICK OF THE 1990s! KRISS KROSS WILL MAKE YA...)enter the restaurant before the hostess could notice, so i waved her highness towards our booth. The hostess came to the table and repeated to her the description that i provided, it was smiles all around. good salad, too. i officially endorse the Santa Fe Chicken salad. *****

sayonara, Alaskans.

Yugoslavian Mindsludge

i attended college in Pennsylvania. The area is flooded with Mennonites, a faction of Amish (or is it the other way? addling topic!) that is differentiated by their need to shop at Wal-Mart and buy required household items such as Ritz crackers, Era Plus and Cocoa Pebbles. Yes, each of these products is as vital to the existence of the Mennonite Fighters of Crime and Tyranny as a Magic Bullet would be to the #1 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nemesis, The Shredder. Don't question, dreadnoks and dragon ladies; just move through the turnstile and deposit the necessary coinage into the slot.

While i am here, i will discuss the issue of resurrection. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon was a popular show from 1988 to 1996 that has seen several reincarnations in recent years, including a distasteful live-action show conceived in the vibe of the totally average cinematic trilogy of the early 90s and a less goofy version that debuted in 2001 that attempts to capture the comic book "feel" but ends up being unastonishing and mundane. I think the only cartoon character that has consistently been fun to watch throughout the years is Batman. The Filmation cartoons of the late 60's and late 70's were molded in the image of the camp live-action Adam West show--fun to watch, great stuff. Batman and Robin had those legendary guest star shots on "Scooby-Doo" and were consistently impressive on "Superfriends". Batman the Animated Series was spectacular and not at all condescending; Batman Beyond surprised me, also more than mildly entertaining. Uh oh, then 2004 saw the premiere of "The Batman" which is a legal right to self-inflicted premature demise. This is bad, folks, and i am forced to add this to the list. DEMERIT!!

Spider-Man of the 60's, WILD WILD WILD.
Spider-Man of the 80's (with and without his Amazing Friends), a refreshing change of pace and not worthy of contempt.
Spider-Man of the 90's, i am gonna be ill so go to the other side of the room and cover yourself with a tarp.

THIS HAS GOTTA STOP!!!

Sayonara, bushwhackers.

Spinedrifter

The insects crawling about on this rock aren't due to win awards for congeniality anytime soon, that's certain. One might consider that an unfortunate inevitability; i am included in the ranks of the unawed yet i am still sighing despondently...

By the by, ten years ago i was NOT a Starbucks person. i condemned the patrons and threw them hostile glances. Now, i've altered my attitude 180 degrees. Clearly anyone who objects vociferously to the coffeehouse chain is overlooking the tangible reality that the coffee is GOOD. Just don't make eye contact with anyone, order your coffee, and depart quickly. You don't have to philosophize, just suck in the caffeine and zip through your day.

Sayonara, shot-putters! <---giving all the rotten apples the middle finger. go ahead, bite it off, it's a hydra and six more will grow in its stead to plague the remainder of your pestiferous existence.

Stunned Beyond Articulation: The Las Vegas, NV Extended Version DVD with Additional Scenes and Director`s Commentary

Friday evening. An innocuous glance at my regularly rumpled countenance in the mirror. What do i spy, what doth plagueth my eye? There is a TENTACLE growing from the back of my left ear! An elongated tendril that threatened to strangle my cranium, my wife (THE WHAMMINESS SPRANG INTO ACTION WITH GARDEN SHEARS!! SHE IS DAUNTLESS!!), after taking a picture of the greasy ebony vine with her cellphone, detached the offending follicle from the victimized aural appendage with a precise swipe, and order was restored. This is the aging process, kids...surreptitiously ninja-like, feral and malevolent and just plain sucky.

We are proud to announce a new and welcome addition to our household: Optimum Online!! Now i can listen to TV Tunes on Radio@AOL, tormenting my long-suffering wife (THE WHAMMINESS LOVES HER HUSBAND BUT REALIZES HE NEEDS LOTS OF HELP IN SEVERAL DEPARTMENTS) with musical gems like Oscar the Grouch growling "I Love Trash" and the cast of "Frasier" singing the theme song from the James Bong flick "Goldfinger". Finally, my existence has been granted purpose!! <----Don't take that literally; bear in mind, i AM a lunatic.

Valentine's Day was great, bought flowers for my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS MANY VASES FOR MANY VARIETIES OF FLORA!) and mother-in-law. Folks that speak ill of the holiday should shush. A "friend" (of course, putting that word within quotation marks indicates she is not a friend at all!) sent a mass e-mail to condemn those that celebrate the holiday to death by stoning. CALLATE, CHICOS Y CHICAS! Ya bug me.

Random addition: DON'T SPILL THE FRIJOLES!

Sayonara, chromosome-abusers.

One-Uh-Oh, The Magic of Margins

1. My birthday is June 6. i am on the brink of 29, which means that 30 is rapidly approaching. Eh. I'll cope.

2. i was born in Bronx, NY, but my parents lived in Paramus, NJ at the time. Hackensack Medical Center was mere minutes away. Doesn't make sense to you? Really? Not the slightest bit logical? Excellent!! That means you're one of the good guys...

3. In case there was a tinge of doubt on a continent, let me clarify for the LAST time: the bad guys get all the good parking spots. ALL.

4. My parents were going to name me Morgan if i was female. Hollers "uptight, ostentatious C.E.O. with an SUV", huh? Yeah, i dodged a bullet. i dodged a mushroom cloud!

5. Having the first name Brandon bothered me until about ten, fifteen years ago when that horrid FOX teen drama (you know the one) made naming newborn males Brandon really really cool. i feel that the Brandons of the world shall rebel against our oppressors sometime in the near future. It is nice to be wanted.

6. i'm Irish and Italian, 50-50. Italia! Ireland, what have you done for me lately? Thanks for the lousy relatives, they have molded me into the neurotic nincompoop that i am today.

7. i'm not religious. i converted to Judaism because i love my wife (WHAMMY! GRAMMY! SHIM SHIM SHAMMY! SHE IS REGAL, SHE IS AUGUST, YOU CAN'T IGNORE IT, THAT'S JUST BOGUS!!) and her family illimitably. They have breathed new life into a form that should have packed it in and closed shop years ago. i am grateful, truly.

8. i'm the oldest of three boys, but i don't know them. let's shut that door and seal it ETERNALLY.

9. Bad news: i have inherited my late grandfather's hairline. Good news: i have also inherited his legendary prediclection towards caustic wit. These syllables slice salami, baby!!!

10. i have dark brown hair, dark eyes (ojos oscuros, en Espanol), and am most proud of the facial hair that has become my suit of bulletproof, flame-proof, life-proof Kevlar since setting root during the first Clinton administration.

11. I'm only 5'10". Uh-huh. Yep.

12. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS! SHOOT THE MOON!) is my nearest and dearest companion.

13. My first real best friends were the Superfriends. My wife (ARE YOU COGNIZANT?? VIGILANT AWARENESS OF THE WHAMMINESS SHOULD BE PART OF YOUR DAILY DIET OF NUTRITION) just heard me state that out loud and exclaimed "Oh, my god..."

14. i was a smart student who didn't have any tolerance for authority figures who demanded that i play nicely, so the end result was that my grades were substandard.

15. i wrote a play in the 10th grade with my friend, "The Mad Texan" Matt Ultsch, for my English 2 Honors class. It didn't have a plot and my classmates booed and hissed mercilessly.

16. i used to have fights with...everybody.

17. i used flash cards to earn straight A's for three years of high school Spanish classes. unfortunately, i did not maintain anything more than a rudimentary Sesame Street knowledge of the language. Flash cards ought to be banned.

18. My favorite class in high school was Public Speaking.

19. i used to teach 8th and 9th grade English; now i teach the SAT at the Huntington Learning Center in Manalapan, N.J.

20. Two of my girl friends from school (neither of whom i ever had a crush on), haha, funny story--turns out they never really cared for my company AT ALL. Alcohol revealed that devastating truth.

21. GODDAMMIT!!

22. i don't have crushes on any major or minor celebrities ccurrently. Read #75 for information on the one and only crush i DID have!

23. i think guys who refer to gel and mousse as "product" need to be beaten with Louisville Sluggers until all of their hair falls out.

24. The concept of playing "catch" with my kids is terrifying and nauseating.

25. For a while, i was secretly concerned that i died at birth and that my entire existence was only the fabricated "don't let this happen to you" worst case scenario of a middle school safety filmstrip.

26. i met my wife (SO YOU HAVEN'T MET THE WHAMMINESS..WELL THAT IS JUST A GOSHDARN LOW DOWN DIRTY SHAME BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU UNFIT TO SOCIALIZE WITH THOSE BLESSED FEW WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN MAGICALLY IMPROVED VIA AN AUDIENCE WITH THE WHAMMINESS!!) very inadvertently in what i refer to as "Plan Z". Something so ludicrous in origin became so miraculous in reason.

27. She is the greatest. PERIOD.

28. Many people have taken advantage of me, and i was too distracted by cable television to care. i love cable television, but it was still wrong. VERY wrong.

29. Now that doesn't happen anymore.

30. The stupidity WILL end. i maintain a scintilla of optimism because deep deep down i am a masochist.

31. The man or woman who created Caller ID is my hero.

32. i love my wife's reaction to getting mail...the sound of her shrieks of elation at the sound of the mailman opening the mailbox is the highlight of my day.

33. i drive a titanium-colored Honda Civic Coupe that does NOT have a spoiler because i don't want Godzilla to grab my car by that superfluous appendage and hurl me into the next millenium. Or, even worse...Bergen County!!

34. i am a safe driver. Do not believe what anyone else says or types to the contrary. Travelling via automobile is a nice, quiet morsel of tranquility that i shall never floss from betwixt my incisors.

35. When my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS A NEW JERSEY DRIVER'S LICENSE! THEY ARE HER CREDENTIALS TO DESTROYYYYYYYY!!) is driving and i ride shotgun, i cringe often unnecessarily and she chuckles gleefully.

36. i believe anything under 65 MPH is totally adequate.

37. i got my license at 17 1/2 after 3 tries.

38. The age at which i lost my virginity is not public information. Quit your nagging. I won't squeal.

39. i’ve been in love once (duh).

40. lust? The gray fuzzy shmootz that hibernates under the living room furniture and eats dimes? Can't harm me.

41. i don't subscribe to the notion of "friends with benefits". It is a bad trip, one way to Idiotville, non-stop, a bumpy ride on a caca-infested lane.

42. When i was a baby, i was dropped on my head in church. i consider this to be all the explanation that is necessary from this point forward.

43. #42 wasn't intentionally funny.

44. i think the phrase "touch base" is filthy.

45. i love to watch television, read comic books, and solve crossword puzzles.

46. i was in the Cub Scouts from September 1984 to October 1987.

47. i want to travel backwards through time to the moment in 1983 when Vince McMahon decided that Hulk Hogan was going to be the poster goon for the new World Wrestling Federation, extract that thought from his brain, and replace it with 3 words: SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA.

48. i'm enjoy being verbose and vocabularily redundant. i also like repeating myself.

49. #48 was a "funny".

50. If it is true that you only tease the ones you love...well, that is simply false, you don't only tease the ones you love, you also tease the people you hate and wish cancers and impotence upon.

51. i am not a sophisticated gourmand. i prefer to pour a bowl of cereal. My top 8 favorites (in no particular order) are: Cinnamon Life, Oreo O's, Cap'n Crunch, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cookie Crisp and Total Raisin Bran.

52. Challah bread is the best bread EVER!!!

53. i am addicted to coffee.
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE

54. Regardless of my love for java, my favorite beverage is ice tea.

55. Between July 1998 and July 2001, i was rarely spotted in public minus a gin and tonic. Nowadays, alcohol is utterly repugnant.

56. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS CRAVES A TOASTED BAGEL!!) will consider the following sentence to be blasphemy but i will endure: i don't like orange juice.

57. We were married on May 30th, 2004. With the exception of my obnoxious family, life as a newlywed has been superb.

58. Taking my wife's (THE WHAMMINESS FEELS THE LOVE!! IT IS WARM LIKE A BURRITO FRESH FROM THE MICROWAVE!)last name is a privilege and i shall endeavor to bring honor and integrity to that name.

59. i've been to the West Coast. it's boring.

60. I've also been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, New York, Virginia, New Hampshire, California, Maryland, Florida, and Louisiana.

61. My favorite place on earth is Barnes and Noble.

62. My second favorite is my living room because that is where the big t.v is!! (Anyone anticipating any other manner of answer is daft.)

63. i am unabashedly apathetic about politics. i relish in my indifference so don't engage me in conversation on the matter, i will only respond with toilet language.

64. i'm not indecisive, i am irritatingly amenable.

65. Half empty? Half full? Isn't there something on television that we all could be viewing?

66. i spend a lot of money on eBay, but not nearly as much as i did in 2000!!! March 19, 1999 was the day that i was introduced to eBay by my collegiate friend Jorn, an impish rogue who more than vaguely resembled an Animaniac.

67. i am proud to be a member of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity. Gives me an excuse to own a ridiculous number of t-shirts bearing skulls and crossbones.

68. Skulls and crossbones RULE!

69. When i buy presents for folks, i keep them well hidden. Sorry, honey!!

70. There is a little girl from Guatemala who desperately needs appropriate gym sneakers, and i will provide her with the required footwear.

71. Superman is neat but Captain America is neater!

72. i used to watch "Wheel of Fortune" with my parents and would shout out the answer after 1 letter was revealed. i would receive a reprimand and my mother would turn the channel to "Entertainment Tonight".

73. i watch "Degrassi: The Next Generation" religiously. May i editorialize? Thank you...Toby and Liberty should star in a spin-off. Emma should be eaten by a killer whale. That show really DOES go there.

74. i love "Head of the Class" and wish that it would air on TV Land.

75. Staci Keanan, the girl from the better-than-average NBC sitcom "My Two Dads" and the oldest daughter from the how-the-hell-did-this-show-last-seven-seasons ABC sitcom "Step by Step", was my one and ONLY celebrity crush.

76. Sadly, i never saw the final episode of "My Two Dads", so i don't know who the dad is. Makes me want to weep pitifully. I'VE GOTTA KNOW!! PUT THE SHOW BACK ON THE AIR!! USA NETWORK, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!

77. My favorite movie is "12 Angry Men".

78. My second favorite is any 1970's Irwin Allen disaster epic--"Earthquake", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", etc.

79. During my adolescence, i subscribed to several different magazines: Boy's Life, National Geographic World, WWF Magazine, Inside Wrestling, The Wrestler, and Pro Wrestling Illustrated. The only comic book to which i ever had a subscription was Avengers, in 1983.

80. As a teenager, my walls were littered with posters of Def Leppard, Slaughter, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Faith No More, the "Tales from the Darkside" movie poster, Gumby, Green Lantern, and Albert Einstein.

81. "Rent" may be my favorite musical, but i sure do hate to pay it!

82. i don't know the meaning of life. i know that Monty Python has several strong opinions and would engage in lively discourse on the matter but that's a terrific waste of seconds that would be more wisely utilized putting together Lego statues of members of 80's hair metal bands.

83. My favorite book is "Alice in Wonderland".

84. My favorite ice cream flavor is Cookies 'n' Cream.

85. i like to dance in the grocery store, preferably in aisles heavily populated by old ladies or soccer moms with frizzy hair.

86. There are gargoyles all over my apartment. They like to dine on Jehovah's Witnesses. YES, THAT WAS A WARNING.

87. My nicknames are Coroner, Ish, B, and Bran. i am called Ish because that is when i always to call my wife (WHEN ARE YOU CALLING THE WHAMMINESS? SEVEN-ISH!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME FROM WORK TO EMBRACE THE WHAMMINESS LOVINGLY? NINE-ISH!)

88. i've broken my ankle and all of my ten toes on different occasions.

89. Mumbling incoherently in those nanoseconds before i enter the realm of ZZZZ is an involuntary action that my wife (WHAMMINESS-A-GO-GO) deems totally freakin' hysterical.

90. Once, outside of the Christmas Tree Shop in CT, i fell on the ice and my wife (WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR LEFT LEG! WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR RIGHT LEG!! FLAP YOUR ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN!! YOU ARE OUT! WHAMMINESS DID NOT INDICATE APPROPRIATELY!! YOU MUST PERISH!!) and her mom fled the scene like Bonnie and Clyde. Fun times.

91. Muumuus are never flattering.

92. i don't condone gambling but i am a Bingo freakazoid.

93. i share a birthday with Sandra Bernhard, Freddy Krueger, the drummer from Iron Maiden, and the Riddler.

94. i collect cartoons on DVD and VHS because the characters in the cartoons with which i grew up are the only ones who ever listened to me. That's the truth. Thank you, Dyno-Mutt. You're a good friend, Igoo the Rock Ape. You're the man, Spider-Man!!

95. Sing. Sing a song. Sing of good things, not bad. Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say, just zip the lips. It's a basic rule that you all learned in kindergarten, so let's stick to it.

96. Muppets make us ALL happy.

97. The first album I ever got with my own money was "Peace Sells...but Who's Buying?" by Megadeth.

98. It's really a shame what happened to Megadeth.

99. i love pro wrestling.

100. ..and now my song is done!

Mine is the Picture of an Agitated Soul

Spirits in torment, Eternal damnation, Gum on the bottom of your Adidas, blah blah blah WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!

Andrew Dice Clay, were you ever funny? i saw "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane". Did you enjoy your shiny glossiness, your 30 seconds of house-to-house dinner table conversation, your piece of nostalgia? Enjoy the niche you've carved, Dice. i sense the walls are closing in on your Aqua Velva. Beware of koalas with hiccups!

My wife (THE WHAMMINESS WANTS A SANDWICH!! FETCH THE ROYAL BOLOGNA AND SWISS CHEESE!) has beseeched me with cuteness to compose a list of 100 "things" people should know about me. i have given this matter tremendous pontification. This topic has assumed moments otherwise spent musing upon kitty litter and Blue Oyster Cult songs. Alright, i guess i'm ready to do this...it's gonna be a little scary but it's honest.

1. i am 117 days away from my 29th birthday and i don't mind.

okay. that was painless. i'll just move right along here...

2. A malevolent, demonic, horrific, terrifying, totally harsh, supernaturally pissed-off gargoyle of immeasurably and inevitably devastating potency can condemn me to a limited menu of skim milk and breakfast cereal and i would not flinch. My apathy would mar his/her/its agenda of torture but disappointment should not be exclusive to the mortal folks. i'm sure you agree. (actually, if you have read this much, you ought to earn a military commendation)

3. There is an abundance of stupidity in the world. i rant and rave and carry on, sometimes like a rabid terrier, about the whole mess but i'll be frank--all of my kvetching falls upon deaf ears. i'll adjust.

4. i am never able to trim my fingernails adequately. Always looks like the aftermath of a gruesome traffic accident on the New Jersey Turnpike. DON'T LOOK AT THAT, HAVE THIS COOKIE AND WATCH THE "DORA THE EXPLORER" DVD!!!

5. i like the SAT. i like analogies. The SAT Verbal section and i are bosom buddies; inseparable and at times combative but there's an unspoken mutual admiration that keeps the relationship healthy. Teaching the SAT is FUN.

6. This realization struck me in a dream, like a copper penny from the 8th floor: there is no EZ Pass at the tollbooth to Hell. i am not quite certain that Hell exists, but if it does, i hope that travellers have exact change.

The Whamminess has just informed me that i am doing this all wrong. My approach must not be verbose. Okey doke, poinsettas, i'll change my angle.

Not right now, tho...

g'night, guinea pigs.

Butternut Tuxedoes (Case Study #817G)

Productive 24 hours, it's been. After 98 visits to the toilet thanks to a dining experience at Applebee's gone hideously awry, i awakened at 7:31 a.m. to the dulcet tones of birds chirping. This avian awakening was a mechanical facsimile of the real thing, conceived and blasted with ferocity from my clock radio, a contraption that is often host to demonic infestation. Of course, this abrupt audio anarchy ejects my lovely wife (GENUFLECT IN THE AUGUST PRESENCE OF THE WHAMMINESS! OBJECTORS TO HER AUTHORITY SHALL RECEIVE REPRIMAND AND SHAME! REPRIMAND AND SHAME F*#$KING HURTS!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!) from gentle slumber, causing her to scream bloody murder in fragmented tongues. i answered instantaneously by slamming my fist onto the snooze button, which increased the dissonance exponentially, reverting the chirps and peep-peeps to a nightmarish growl that can best be described as a corpulent Republican senator from Texas being violently sucked into a vortex of inhuman despair lips-first. Another piledriver of bone and flesh onto the snooze button terminated that satanic symphony, i kissed my wife (WHAMMINESS! READ THE BILLBOARDS! IT IS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO BEHOLD!), and thus the day commenced...

Honestly, working at the Huntington Learning Center handling the daily scheduling of students with teachers and doing a hefty amount of educating myself in the category of the ultra-nifty wow-wow SAT Verbal sections is a profession that i wear like a hooded sweatshirt on a cold winter morn--comforting and invulnerable. i don't ordinarily frequent the joint on Saturdays but sometimes (5-6 times a year) the need arises for this wayward son of *insert your best punchline here* to make a guest appearance on the weekend shift. It's a great gig, and i get to fight crime! If you question my duty, you're basically etching your own tombstone so don't tempt the leprechaun, kids...

We came. We saw. We crafted.
After work, my wife (THE WHAMMINESS IN 3-D!! ENGAGE THE GOGGLES AND PREPARE FOR A JOURNEY THAT SHALL REDUCE YOUR INTELLECTS TO OATMEAL! THE WHAMMINESS HAS SPOKEN!) and i painted decorative plates at "A Time to Kiln" and witnessed many wanton acts of poor parenting at a birthday party in the back room. It's not the children, it's the parents...trust me...something has to be done...i'm working on it.

Another busy day in the life of an anti-hero.

sayonara, slidesuckers.

Tie Your Shoelaces Tightly

Tie 'em tightly, grab a coffee, and WALK. WALK to work, WALK to school, WALK to Toys r US, WALK to Dairy Queen, WALK to the movie theater, WALK to the video store, WALK WALK WALK and DON'T GET ON AIRPLANES because they are just plain ridiculous contraptions that scream death and despair at all decibels of sound.

Another airplane headbutted an edifice this morning in beautiful downtown Pitstain...i mean, Teterboro, New Jersey. Do i care? Is this important? After what happened on September 11, 2001, can ANYTHING be slightly comparable to that debacle?!? NO. Watching the news on television and keeping tabs on the repeated acts of stupidity perpetrated and perpuated by humankind is akin to sado-masochism.

i hate airplanes, and i detest even further when the need to broadcast the details of the calamity supercede a network's responsibility to their regularly scheduled programming.

The stupidity's gotta end eventually...right??

My Excalibur is a No. 2 Pencil

This weekend, i am participating in a tournament in Connecticut for crossword puzzles enthusiasts. My wife (SEE THIS SCAR?? THAT'S THE PRICE I PAID FOR IGNORING THE WHAMMINESS!! I SAW A SHINY OBJECT! I WAS DISTRACTED!! THE WHAMMINESS DEMANDS CONSTANT EYE CONTACT!!) has been giving me a lot of helpful advice for success, such as answering all of the horizontal clues that i know first, then answering all of the vertical clues, then filling in the blank squares inbetwixt as the puzzle comes together. i can't consider the humiliation i shall bring upon my clan if anything less than the acquisition of the ultimate prize occurs. No undue pressure! i could become a tangle of nerves on the battlefield. Maybe i'll get a t-shirt out of this experience. Pencils will be sharp, minds will be sharper.

We all require specific diversions. Mine go up and down.

Sayonara, teethgrinders.

The Immovable Shlemiel Meets the Irresistible Shlimazl--When these Two Forces Meet, One is Sure to Plotz, and that`s Nisht Gut

Holy crud, that cacophonous din is the prickly introduction to a chapter that could otherwise be entitled "Fun with Yiddish". A person might actually feign a grin incorporating some of these fantastic yiddish expressions into his/her daily dialogue:
alter kocker--this literally means "old shitter". Hey, this is great, a position towards which a cashew like me can realistically aspire. "That alter kocker blew a red light and totalled my Chevy Celebrity!" True story.
dreck--shit. there's a trend developing here... dreck is junk, cheap and z-grade. "That Adam Sandler movie was pure dreck!"
feh--expression of distaste or disgust. Feh to the world, don't get your stupidity on my t-shirt, i have a sufficient headache getting out Colgate. A whole lotta smartness out there...
ibbledick--not feeling 100% kosher; ill; "under the weather". Imagine the supervillainous scenario: Guy walks into a bank, squints, everyone in the vicinity is overwhelmed with gaseous distension, loss of inertia and decrepitude. Ibbledick Ivan has struck again! NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP HIM! NOT EVEN THE SUPERFRIENDS!! (always yearned for an opportunity to holler that declaration of omnipotence in a public location)

"Yiddish with Dick and Jane" by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, good reading, buy the book or be doomed with the ultimate indignity: a supporting role on a mediocre ABC sitcom!! THE BOY HAS CHUTZPAH!!!

g'night, you merry band of IHOPpers!

H+36651

i can't offer any manner of explanation for this blog title...the wife (YOU!! THE ZIPPITY-DOO-DAH FREAKAZOID WITH THE GRINNING SKELETON TATTOO!! YOU MUST REGARD THE WHAMMINESS WITH REVERENCE AND AWE!! THE REPERCUSSIONS ARE GRISLY!) slammed down her fist on the keyboard and that's what emerged on the screen. Can't battle kismet; kismet has fangs.

Today's entry focuses on the urge of the homo sapien population of this revolving blue-and-green orb to dance, dance, dance their cares into limbo-like status. All this dancing isn't relevant. Kellogg's Raisin Bran is relevant. Cacti are relevant. Venus flytraps are relevant. i don't know. Just seems to me like we are all in a lot of trouble...

Two divergent thoughts on two different highways:
The Turnpike: i owned a Venus flytrap three years ago. Our time together was brief. Venus flytraps subsist on a steady digestion of wayward insects and bits of meat. The meat was accessible; the insects eluded capture. i tried a strip of thick adhesive tape but the bugs were savvy. So, the Venus flytrap expired. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS IS ELECTRIC!! 10,000 VOLTS TO THE REVOLUTION!!) fed it hamburger and was crushed upon learning of its demise. *sigh* c'est la vie, boogers, and sonuvabitch.

The Highway: not too long ago, i caught an episode of the funnier-than-it-initially-looks sitcom, "Laverne and Shirley", on that network that consistently satisfies like an Oreo smoothie, TV Land. Laverne was the 1,000th customer of the local grocery store, so she and Shirl won a shopping spree, and it was neato-bo-beato. if i won a shopping spree at the Stop 'n' Shop, my spree would be limited to two aisles: the milk and the cereal. Lotsa milk, lots more cereal. i can get by on cereal and milk, FO' REAL, YO! Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, Kellogg's Corn Pops, Rice Krispies, Rice Krispies TREATS cereal, Cinnamon Life, Kix, Oreo O's, Cap'n Crunch, Cookie Crisp...it's gonna be beautiful, this paradise of cereal and milk. Those who dare invade my eden (aside from my boo-tee-ful bride) get plucked from the timestream.

Today i inadvertently took my wife's wallet to work with me, so she had to drive to her grandfather's house minus the proper paperwork. i'm a stinkdoodle, but she loves me because i get her juice.

sayonara, grasshoppers.

He Who Owns the Clicker Owns the World

i have decided that what is on the Cartoon Network nowadays is crap. So, we are all going to depart this universe for an alternate reality where i run the cartoon kingdom. Oh my god, am i serious?? Yes, this is very very serious business and here we go...SIT DOWN!! ESCAPE IS FUTILE!!
Weekday Schedule:
6:00 am--Groove Goolies
6:30 am--Mr. Magoo
7:00 am--The Bullwinkle Show
7:30 am--George of the Jungle
8:00 am--Deputy Dawg
8:30 am--Mighty Mouse
9:00 am--Looney Tunes
10:00 am--Woody Woodpecker
10:30 am--Popeye
11:00 am--Pink Panther
11:30 am--Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
12:00 pm--The Real Ghostbusters
12:30 pm--Jonny Quest
1:00 pm--Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
1:30 pm--The Tick
2:00 pm--He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
2:30 pm--She-Ra: Princess of Power
3:00 pm--M.A.S.K.
3:30 pm--G.I. Joe
4:00 pm--Thundercats
4:30 pm--Silverhawks
5:00 pm--Challenge of the Go-Bots
5:30 pm--The Transformers
6:00 pm--Voltron, Defender of the Universe
6:30 pm--Gigantor
7:00 pm--Hanna-Barbera World of Super Adventure (This was a syndicated show from the 80's that combined Space Ghost, Birdman, Galaxy Trio, Herculoids, Shazzan, Dino Boy, Mightor, Moby Dick, The Impossibles and Frankenstein Jr.)
7:30 pm--Marvel Superheroes (syndicated show from the 60's that featured Thor, Hulk, Sub-Mariner, Captain America and Iron Man)
8:00 pm--Scooby-Doo
9:00 pm--Superfriends
10:00 pm--Spider-Man: The Animated Series
10:30 pm--X-Men: The Animated Series
11:00 pm--Batman: The Animated Series
11:30 pm--Superman: The Animated Series
12:00 am--Speed Racer
12:30 am--Robotech
1:00 am--Battle fo the Planets
1:30 am--Star Blazers
2:00 am--Star Trek: The Animated Series
2:30 am--Return to the Planet of the Apes (Remember that one??)
3:00 am--Abbott and Costello (long-forgotten toon of the 60's)
3:30 am--Laurel and Hardy (another long-forgotten toon of the 60's)
4:00 am--Dick Tracy
4:30 am--The Jackson 5ive
5:00 am--Batfink
5:30 am--Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse

Important: The schedule from 8 pm to 6 am never changes. Sooooo all of those programs are on 7 days a week!

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?!?!?

Saturday Schedule:
6:00 am--Top Cat
6:30 am--Wally Gator
7:00 am--Huckleberry Hound
7:30 am--The Magilla Gorilla Show
8:00 am--Quick Draw McGraw
8:30 am--Peter Potamus and his Magical Flying Balloon
9:00 am--The Atom Ant/Hillbilly Bears Show
9:30 am--The Secret Squirrel/Squiddly Diddly Show
10:00 am--Dastardly & Muttley
10:30 am--Wacky Race
11:00 am--Yogi Bear
11:30 am--Yogi's Gang
12:00 pm--Yogi's Treasure Hunt
12:30 pm--Scooby's All-Star Laff-a-Lympics
1:00 pm--Josie and the Pussycats
1:30 pm--Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space
2:00 pm--Godzilla
2:30 pm--Hong Kong Phooey
3:00 pm--Jabberjaw
3:30 pm--Speed Buggy
4:00 pm--Clue Club
4:30 pm--Goober and the Ghost Chasers
5:00 pm--The Funky Phantom
5:30 pm--The New Shmoo
6:00 pm--The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan
6:30 pm--Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels
7:00 pm--Fangface
7:30 pm--Dynomutt, Dog Wonder

Sunday Schedule:
6:00 am--The Inhumanoids (remember THAT one?!?)
6:30 am--Jem
7:00 am--Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling
8:00 am--The Mighty Heroes
8:30 am--Mr. T
9:00 am--Mighty Orbots
9:30 am--Turbo Teen
10:00 am--Drak Pack
10:30 am--Dungeons and Dragons
11:00 am--Thundarr the Barbarian
11:30 am--Blackstarr
12:00 am--The Kids Super Power Hour with Shazam!
1:00 pm--The Plastic Man Comedy Adventure Show
2:00 pm--Rickety Rocket (Remember THAT one?!?!)
2:30 pm--Goldie Gold and Action Jack
3:00 pm--The Batman-Superman Hour (this show will have the Filmation super-hero toons of the 60's: Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Superboy, Teen Titans, Flash, etc.)
4:00 pm--The New Adventures of Batman (Filmation toon of the 70's with Bat-Mite)
4:30 pm--Superman '88 (short-lived CBS toon)
5:00 pm--The Fantastic Four
5:30 pm--The New Fantastic Four (from the 70's)
6:00 pm--Spider-Man (greatest theme song EVER! DON'T ARGUE!!)
6:30 pm--Spider-Woman
7:00 pm--The Incredible Hulk/Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends Hour (From the 80's)

Okay, all of you are convinced of my insanity. Consider this: is it i who is Captain Crazy...or does the fact that such a line-up does not exist strike you as slightly more berzerk???

Sayonara, noodle-heads.

The Shrug that Shattered Tokyo

My wife (BOW DOWN! HER WHAMMINESS IS INCOMPARABLE AND AWESOME!) has an extensive collection of nail polishes, and some of the names of these colors plague my waking moments. There is a color known as "After Sex"--this is red. "Beach Party"--this is not the color of sand. Actually, i gotta tell ya: this reminds me of the sand in the hourglass of Father Time, not the grains upon which i tread barefoot and happy-like at Seaside Heights, N.J. Father Time is a powerful deity with an agitated triggerfinger, not the type who would gleefully splatter his image upon billboards and obnoxious full-page advertisements in Jane magazine for the purpose of product placement. So...yeah. i'm befuddled. People are earning salaries for devising these enigmatic designations for their nail polishes and they are all laughing at our expense. It's a disturbing guffaw, akin to the deadly chuckle of Batman's El Numero Uno Adversary, the Joker, whenever the Clown Prince of Crime would fricasee a hapless victim with a joy buzzer. i always preferred the Riddler, myself. We are both crossword puzzle fiends.

I don't like this business of naming nail polishes. No good will come of this...starts with nail polishes, mutates into a tyrannical grip upon the population,trying to compel us to buy ketchup when we don't need it and to pretend like the people who appear on MTV's "The Real World" really arejust like the rest of us.

My wife has just said, "You're still writing about nail polish?!" as she polishes off one of my discarded crossword puzzles. i work on them in pen, and when an abundance of unacceptable errors has occurred, i draw a diagonal line through the puzzle, signifying its tragic demise. i don't like when that happens but i am resigned to my own mortality and the evanessence of existence's sundry distractions, as well; therefore, i don't hesitate to walk away when i feel that the magic has evaporated.

sayonara, chickpeas.

The Secret Ingredient is....ROBITUSSIN!!!!

A hush falls over the stunned crowd! An obese woman who has been sweating profusely through her paisley-patterned muumuu has swooned and collapsed! Juvenile delinquents weep uncontrollably and pontificate upon the horrors of everyday existence! Tonight's "Iron Chef" has taken a dramatic turn towards the unabashedly WUH-WUH-WACKY with the revelation of the secret ingredient...Robitussin!

Fondly, i recall the premiere episode of the mesmerizing phenomenon that is "Iron Chef". i was watching the program in the central Pennsylvanian lair of that infamous gang of cutthroats, the Pennsylvania Phi chapter of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity. Oy, what a rowdy bunch of nincompoops...dangle a cold can of Meisterbrau in front of their noses and they will solve the riddles of the cosmos. The secret ingredient was meat (MEAT! how imaginative! "The secret ingredient is AIR!" "The secret ingredient is FRIENDSHIP!" "the secret ingredient is CORN....ON THE COB!!") and the dogs howled with approval. The hunger had been satisfied.

Often, this is entertainment. Occasionally, i can only furrow my brow and consider the amount of spackle that will be required to fill the newly-ruptured cranny on the hard-to-reach backside of humanity.

GOT AN ITCH???

Go Towards the Light, Go Towards the Light...No no, Go Towards the Calamari...

The first morsel of dumbness that i will address involves the unjustifiably underappreciated king of the blue and salty, Aquaman.

COMIC BOOK GEEK!!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

Yes, Aquaman. Poor fella. People don't like the guy. This bothers me immensely. You and the wife take a Carnival Cruise to the Islands Where Tourists Get Eaten Alive, both of you are out on the lido deck feeling warm and fuzzy, one too many Fuzzy Navels, SPLASH! you're in the deep. Here comes the sharks! Oy ve, doom and gloom with pointy teeth! Hoi polloi, what is this...!? The sharks are being squished by a number of slimy tentacles! Two friendly giddy dolphins have emerged to carry you to safety! Tons of happiness! YAY AQUAMAN!

"The State", you remember that t.v. show, yes? Michael Ian Black, the schmuck whose career is so ludicrously abysmal that Tinseltown has demoted him to render uninspired witticisms on those VH1 "I Love the 80's/I Love the 90's/I Love the 70's/I Love Ham and Cheese" programs, was on that MTV variety series back in the mid-90's. There was a skit on that show that caused me to throw a clock radio at my life-size cardboard stand-up of Bret "Hitman" Hart that involved the members of the Justice League of America harassing the Atlantean Avenger, mocking him by saying "Go talk to some fish!" Bummed me out. "The State" was such a nice group of youngsters until the airing of that particular episode. CHICKEN POX ON THEIR PRIVATES!!

Aquaman will gather all of the denizens of the hydrosphere in a revolution against the air-breathers and there will be bloodshed, most certainly. He won't harm me, so i am not concerned. i'm a booster! Treat your goldfish nicely, world!! That little fishy knows what's happening...

THUD!

So this is blog, huh? Freakin' wild. My lovely wife--the illustrious goddess of thunder, lightning, and whammy bars--has been pestering me to join this band of misfits, reprobates, and ne'er-do-wells since...heck, what does it matter? i am here, in it for the long haul and waiting for the low hum, and i am ready to play dodgeball.

COUGH!

There exist specific ideologies in society that are downright loathsome. These beliefs, popular or generally ignored, give me mental paper cuts. i want to acknowledge a selection of these dreadful gremlins, shake their hands, invite 'em into my spacious (AUDACIOUS!) apartment, tie 'em to cold and uncomfortable steel folding chairs, and hurl five-dollar SAT vocabulary at 'em until they shrivel to the size of dust mites. At that juncture, these diminutive once-mighty snippets of nastiness will suffer the ultimate indignity of being squashed beneath my black Chuck Taylors.

Sounds neato, huh? Yeah, i'll getcha. The aforementioned information is a disclaimer to those will traipse in my muck. Chew the disclaimer 37 times before swallowing, wash it down with Snapple. Please heed that advice because i am the authority on choking and gagging due to my notoriously small gullet which prevents me from ingesting food without incident. My wife (BOW DOWN BEFORE HER WHAMMINESS!!) insists that there is no such thing as having a small gullet, but that topic is highly argumentative.

My wife provided the layout for my blog since i am technologically inept. She is the cat's meow! Right now, she is tormenting the household feline with bubbles, so i must tend to that highly critical matter.

Sayonara, kids.