Mergers of the Regular Ol` Infinite

For this Purim holiday (happy happy to all the Heebz), my wife (THE WHAMMINESS ORDERED A WEDGE OF LEMON IN HER WATER AND THE LEMON DID NOT ARRIVE!! DUST OFF THE GUILLOTINE, IT'S SLICE AND DICE TIME ONCE AGAIN!!) adorned me in an outfit that was the recipient of many compliments--here i am, writing this blog, a gefilte fish. She attached googly eyes on cotton balls and blue felt fins to a hooded sweatshirt. Oh yes, i had a tail, as well. Much amusement. Feel inclined to titter and snicker and snort. Ha-ha. Okay, that's enough. Next one who mocks me with laughter gets a Junkyard Dog headbutt. Actually, considering my luck, you'd get the headbutt, but you'd have a Wild Samoan Sika skull and wouldn't flinch. The pro wrestling devotees out there in McMahonLand know about what i type. Yeah, i have to admit, i was a hit at the Purim Carnival at the FVJC/Emek Shalom. Now, the outfit is a permanent costume for all occasions, calendar holiday or lassitude-fueled Sunday afternoons.

"Peeps". Okay, this is not safe. Clearly what are you eating, a sponge? i am referring to those Easter delicacies that populate the CVS and Walgreens for $1.09 a dozen. "Oh, it's Easter, it's the ascension of Jeez-Us-Kryst, let us rejoice with marshmallows." That J-C junk is toilet marmalade. My wife (WHAMMINESS DON'T COME CHEAP!! AIN'T NO COUPON CLIPPING TO GET THIS CROWN!) opens the package of Peeps and sets them atop the fridge to CEMENTIFY. If i shut the freezer door with unnecessary authority, one of those boulders conks my noggin into a Grand Slam breakfast platter. Ugh, these euphemisms require too much effort. IT HOITS!!!

i have a new toothbrush, the Reach Brightener, the one with the polishing pads. This is good, this is very good, a good thing is a rarity nowadays but let me put it this way: Coral is NOT a cast member of the latest Road Rules/Real World Challenge, so perhaps she has it all figured out right now. Yeah, that's likely. Optimistic? ME? Oy...

We went to eat at Applebee's this evening. My wife (TOO SLOW!! WATCH OUT!! WHAMMINESS AT THE WHEEL!! STEP TO THE SIDEWALK PLEASE!! THIS IS MY ROAD, CONSULT THE MANUAL! [i will tell you she drives quite competently, i have often informed her that she should star in a series of safe-driving films about motoring with responsibility in the Garden State]) parked the car as i acquired the table. i told the hostess to look for a cute, little lady with long, brown hair and a black jacket and send her in my direction. i saw my wife (WHAMMINESS WAS THE COOLEST CHICK OF THE 1990s! KRISS KROSS WILL MAKE YA...)enter the restaurant before the hostess could notice, so i waved her highness towards our booth. The hostess came to the table and repeated to her the description that i provided, it was smiles all around. good salad, too. i officially endorse the Santa Fe Chicken salad. *****

sayonara, Alaskans.

Yugoslavian Mindsludge

i attended college in Pennsylvania. The area is flooded with Mennonites, a faction of Amish (or is it the other way? addling topic!) that is differentiated by their need to shop at Wal-Mart and buy required household items such as Ritz crackers, Era Plus and Cocoa Pebbles. Yes, each of these products is as vital to the existence of the Mennonite Fighters of Crime and Tyranny as a Magic Bullet would be to the #1 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nemesis, The Shredder. Don't question, dreadnoks and dragon ladies; just move through the turnstile and deposit the necessary coinage into the slot.

While i am here, i will discuss the issue of resurrection. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon was a popular show from 1988 to 1996 that has seen several reincarnations in recent years, including a distasteful live-action show conceived in the vibe of the totally average cinematic trilogy of the early 90s and a less goofy version that debuted in 2001 that attempts to capture the comic book "feel" but ends up being unastonishing and mundane. I think the only cartoon character that has consistently been fun to watch throughout the years is Batman. The Filmation cartoons of the late 60's and late 70's were molded in the image of the camp live-action Adam West show--fun to watch, great stuff. Batman and Robin had those legendary guest star shots on "Scooby-Doo" and were consistently impressive on "Superfriends". Batman the Animated Series was spectacular and not at all condescending; Batman Beyond surprised me, also more than mildly entertaining. Uh oh, then 2004 saw the premiere of "The Batman" which is a legal right to self-inflicted premature demise. This is bad, folks, and i am forced to add this to the list. DEMERIT!!

Spider-Man of the 60's, WILD WILD WILD.
Spider-Man of the 80's (with and without his Amazing Friends), a refreshing change of pace and not worthy of contempt.
Spider-Man of the 90's, i am gonna be ill so go to the other side of the room and cover yourself with a tarp.

THIS HAS GOTTA STOP!!!

Sayonara, bushwhackers.