Mine is the Picture of an Agitated Soul

Spirits in torment, Eternal damnation, Gum on the bottom of your Adidas, blah blah blah WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!

Andrew Dice Clay, were you ever funny? i saw "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane". Did you enjoy your shiny glossiness, your 30 seconds of house-to-house dinner table conversation, your piece of nostalgia? Enjoy the niche you've carved, Dice. i sense the walls are closing in on your Aqua Velva. Beware of koalas with hiccups!

My wife (THE WHAMMINESS WANTS A SANDWICH!! FETCH THE ROYAL BOLOGNA AND SWISS CHEESE!) has beseeched me with cuteness to compose a list of 100 "things" people should know about me. i have given this matter tremendous pontification. This topic has assumed moments otherwise spent musing upon kitty litter and Blue Oyster Cult songs. Alright, i guess i'm ready to do this...it's gonna be a little scary but it's honest.

1. i am 117 days away from my 29th birthday and i don't mind.

okay. that was painless. i'll just move right along here...

2. A malevolent, demonic, horrific, terrifying, totally harsh, supernaturally pissed-off gargoyle of immeasurably and inevitably devastating potency can condemn me to a limited menu of skim milk and breakfast cereal and i would not flinch. My apathy would mar his/her/its agenda of torture but disappointment should not be exclusive to the mortal folks. i'm sure you agree. (actually, if you have read this much, you ought to earn a military commendation)

3. There is an abundance of stupidity in the world. i rant and rave and carry on, sometimes like a rabid terrier, about the whole mess but i'll be frank--all of my kvetching falls upon deaf ears. i'll adjust.

4. i am never able to trim my fingernails adequately. Always looks like the aftermath of a gruesome traffic accident on the New Jersey Turnpike. DON'T LOOK AT THAT, HAVE THIS COOKIE AND WATCH THE "DORA THE EXPLORER" DVD!!!

5. i like the SAT. i like analogies. The SAT Verbal section and i are bosom buddies; inseparable and at times combative but there's an unspoken mutual admiration that keeps the relationship healthy. Teaching the SAT is FUN.

6. This realization struck me in a dream, like a copper penny from the 8th floor: there is no EZ Pass at the tollbooth to Hell. i am not quite certain that Hell exists, but if it does, i hope that travellers have exact change.

The Whamminess has just informed me that i am doing this all wrong. My approach must not be verbose. Okey doke, poinsettas, i'll change my angle.

Not right now, tho...

g'night, guinea pigs.