Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilk!

I hate blogs, but I wasn't given any other option. I present to you...

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILK!

Pie Man

The Frozen Turkey Stun Ray Made the Summer of 1970 Three Months of Shocking Leftovers

Last night, a startling revelation came to me in the form of a rabid seahorse. THEY HAVE RETURNED!

Wawa Testimonial #9285-U: "There are TOO MANY CHOICES!!!"---The Whamminess.
The sandwich-selectification contrivance chastised her for hesitating in her decision-making process, an irritated beep "Do You Want to Continue?"

TRAPPER KEEPERS, FRONT AND CENTER!! THE WHAMMINESS HAS UTTERED AN OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION REGARDING HER MOST IDEAL SANDWICH!! *Ahem* The Whamminess prefers
Honey Smoked Turkey, Tomato, Honey Mustard, Swiss Cheese on Rye. TOASTED!!

By the by, there is a giant meteorite headed towards this planet at devastating speed. It cannot be destroyed via military hardware; it must be EATEN. Gather the biggest mouths of humanity to save the world!! Carly Simon! Steven Tyler! Mick Jagger! Goldie Hawn! The singers from Buck Cherry and The Cult whose names i cannot recall! SAVE US, YOU ARE THE JAWS OF HOPE!

Someone from Ontario, Canada typed in ' "The Birdman" Koko B. Ware ' and found my blog. So i will now namedrop several other perhaps long-forgotten wrestling personalities to spark the same results: Greg "the Hammer" Valentine, Scott Casey, Baron Von Raschke, Colonel DeBeers, Gino Hernandez, "Mr. Usa" Tony Atlas, S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones, "Hollywood" John Tatum and Jack Victory, Tony Garea, The Fantastics (Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton), Hiroshi Hase, Dominic DeNucci, "Yukon" John Nord, Chris and Mark Youngblood, Chickie Starr, The Gambler, Jeff Gaylord, and "Red Rooster" Terry Taylor. Thank you very much!

See Jane Poison a Diva...Someone in Hollywood Owes the Whamminess a Lot of Money

Jane Fonda has returned to the silver screen. Who ordered this comeback? Surely, there are those absent from the cinematic scene more worthy of a high-profile rejuvenation: Joe Pesci, Christopher Lloyd, and Steve Buscemi are names that immediately pop into my grey matter. "Monster-in-Law" is a vitriolic escapade into the timeless animosity between bride-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be that features Barbarella and The Fly Girl J-Low engaged in a 100-minute tete-a-tete for the attention of the vapid catalog model who kissed Drew Barrymore on the pitcher's mound in "Never Been Kissed". The movie was a pounce on the memory banks as Fonda's unabashedly unlikeable uncharacter consistently provoked images from figures in my personal life. Not good. Didn't make the movie an altogether enjoyable experience. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS HAD A CATHARSIS!! IT IS LIKE A SMOOTH CREAM RINSE OF COCONUT AND BERRIES!) had mixed feelings about the movie. i hate 90% of the movies that i see, anyway, so this wasn't an unusual scenario. More importantly, all of this hoopla for Fonda vs. Lopez is undue and Wanda Sykes' wise-crackin' sidekick character was cumbersome and derivative. BANG BANG!! i've seen worse...

sayonara, martian maneaters.

Writing my Autobio on Liquid Paper

Hideous Injustice #440---The dim bulb at the Barnes & Noble doesn't believe that i am a bonified, certified educator of impressionable youth. This evening, i attempted to purchase two books using my Educator's Discount card, but the fella wouldn't give me a nod of admiration; i would have settled for a grunt in my general direction, some inkling that i was in front of him and intended to make a purchase. He didn't believe i was a teacher despite showing him the appropriate identification, and i am forced to consider this to be a life-altering event.

Chyna Doll? Joanie Laurer? *Sniff Sniff* identity crisis on toasted rye with a side of reckless abandon, hold the mustard. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS CANNOT TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A WALK!! I DO NOT SCOOP THE POOP!) espied her in Uncle Zoogie and Uncle Vinny's Bar in CT several years ago. Someone asked if she was really Chyna, she turned to my future bride and asked, "I don't know who that is. Do you??"...write your own ending to this intro, kids.

Gonna go watch "Punky Brewster" now...

A Nursery Rhyme for a Padded Cell

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
the cuckoo clock on the wall

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
seems to know it all

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
every hour on the dot

biddle-le-dum-dum,
biddle-le-dum-dum,
all i want is one clear shot.

The Best Reasons are Shrouded in Mystery

The schemes of mankind are worth a chuckle. What a wonderful experiment. The dust from the ground is going somewhere, whirling upwards into the mouths of clouds. The nature of the generational saga is in front of us. We can talk about the history, if that kind of conversation has any meaning, which i doubt. i get it, now. All of these cultural illusions sound like Sylvester Stallone. Promise me that you won't get mad at the universal reaction to the scene; we understand that there is anxiety. That was part of the fun. See me dancing? I wish that the primary language, this religion of mediocrity, would get brushed under the carpet.

Sayonara, legal eagles.

The Assassin Bug vs. The Destroying Angel

i posted a long one today, so i will try to keep this blog brief, just a couple o' t'ings i gotta mentionalize:

1. Math problem: Hippopotamus + Hypnotist=?
a) Hippotist
b) Hypnopotamus
c) The Hypno Hippo
d) Ray

RIGHT! Let's talkafy 'bout 'nother topic. Have a bottle o' pop and pull up a stool...

Let's design a Royal Rumble. Everyone loves a 30-man, over the top, battle royal. It's good for your pancreas. Here's the order of entry--hope you enjoy:
1. Captain Caveman
2. Bull Shannon from "Night Court"
3. Hefty Smurf
4. Bizarro
5. Rocksteady (the warthog goon from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles")
6. Peter Griffin
7. Wilmer Valderrama
8. Slimer
9. Radioactive Man
10. Cameron Diaz's stunt double from "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"
11. Tim Conway
12. "Major Dad" Gerald McRaney
13. Bebop (the rhino goon from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"14. Magilla Gorilla
15. Jose Canseco
16. Eric Idle
17. Atom Ant
18. Solomon Grundy ("Solomon Grundy Hate Superfriends!")
19. Scrooge McDuck
20. Kel
21. Kenan
22. Luke Perry
23. Courageous Cat
24. Dick Dastardly
25. Mer-Man
26. Cobra Commander
27. Dave Seville (the guy who takes care of the Chipmunks)
28. Gossamer (huge, red-haired monster from the Warner Bros. 'toons)
29. Dynomutt
and, of course, we all know who drew #30...
30. "The Birdman" Koko B. Ware

sayonara, pencil sharpeners.

Natural Disasters Need Better P.R.

Sophisticated bibliophiles will celebrate this namedrop: Too Much Coffee Man. i mention the name because i am the living embodiment of his darkly roasted demeanor. Coming out of the invigorated lucidity is akin to the final scene of every episode of "The Incredible Hulk"--Dr. Banner afoot on the highway, Sad Walking Away Music as the haunting melody of his affliction.

Within the past 48 hours, i have consumed coffee with calculated consideration with earnest hopes of the provocation of various nighttime visions, and my subconscious has delivered: i worked in a brightly-lit corporate environment, the envy of my colleagues who tried in vain to match my productivity. Suddenly, straight outta an Irwin Allen 70's classic--EARTHQUAKE!! Loud and catastrophic! i boomed the command to my co-workers: "SCATTER! FLEE! RUN, ASSHOLES, RUN!" i shoved my immediate supervisor out of the path of harm when a ceiling fan plunged from its ceiling fixture. He threw me a grateful grin and a thumbs-up, but i didn't have a second to respond; a zip-line (?!?!) materialized and i was zooming helter skelter, plucking professionals from peril and tossing them to safety (where was safety? didn't know...i reckon that's the kind of minor detail that is overlooked but ought to be reasonably addressed...hey, just like a big-budget disaster movie!). Eventually the disaster had ended, metropolitan serenity restored, and i found myself on an elevator to the 57th floor of an adjoining, apparently undamaged, edifice. When the doors opened, i saw three lumberjacks, stench of maple syrup and melted crayons in the air, who celebrated my name as the Savior Superior, showering me with gifts ranging from $10,000 in five dollar bills to every episode of "Tales from the Darkside" on something DVD-like called "Maxi-Disk" (square and transparent). i was also given a green pentagonal gumball which, when concentrated upon, gave its user the ability to re-arrange television continuity to his/her diabolical whims. Okay, so what would you do in that situation? What's that you say? Hmm? You would take two horrendous sitcoms that never should have existed initially, "Mork and Mindy" and "Martin", and mash the 2 together? i concur. Mork was a philosopher without any extraordinary abilities who often sought the advice of his hip, jive-talkin' MIDGET friend, portrayed by Martin Lawrence, who dwelled in a subterranean hideaway. They would play Uno and hit each other over the head with empty plastic bottles. Studio Audience laughs on command or suffers posterior flambe (hot seat!). i rule the t.v. mainstream with an iron fist, and i am not referring to the martial arts Marvel Comics hero of the late 70's-mid 80's.

By the by, during this entire dreamscape, i was wearing a kilt.

Yeah, i don't know what i am doing here, either...

Nonetheless, It Was a Delicious Reuben and a Scrumptious Piece of Apple Pie...

Those out there in Nifty Zippy Dorito Land who have read my wife's blog (THE WHAMMINESS HAS STUNNED THE HULKSTER WITH A DEVASTATING ATOMIC DROP!) may find this particular (OH DEAR...THE WHAMMINESS IS HOVERING BEHIND MY SHOULDER WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS DECLARING THAT I AM ABOUT TO BE "PATSHED" FOR ASSOCIATING HER REGALOSITY WITH THE WORST WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF THE INDUSTRY) post dangerous nuclear candy; Bergen County, one of the wealthiest counties in the United States, is a cesspool. A morsel of free-of-charge wisdom to those travelling the GSP or the Turnpike in their Windstars or Pontiac Hatchbacks or Volkswagen Jettas: If you want to avoid being slurped ravenously into this quagmire, depress your foot upon the pedal on the right until the gauge somersaults into triple digits and maintain your speed until you hit the Tappan Zee. i have lived amongst the lot of Bergen County cookie crumbles for nearly 21 years before i fled to the sanctity of central NJ, and i can communicate only despair and "tsk tsk" in regards to my erstwhile residence. i have been in my hometown (name withheld because go fuck yourself, that's why) for the past two weekends cleaning out my wife's (WHAMMY TO THE 27TH POWER! IT'S INCALCUABLE!) grandmother's house. All of the debris of the universe, the accumulation of galactic afterbirth, was gathered in dusty, grimy gobs throughout her infested abode, and naturally i had to wear the Mr. Helpful hat and play nicely. My reward? Gratitude. Eh. I'll cope.

sayonara, nailbiters. Heed my words!

Mergers of the Regular Ol` Infinite

For this Purim holiday (happy happy to all the Heebz), my wife (THE WHAMMINESS ORDERED A WEDGE OF LEMON IN HER WATER AND THE LEMON DID NOT ARRIVE!! DUST OFF THE GUILLOTINE, IT'S SLICE AND DICE TIME ONCE AGAIN!!) adorned me in an outfit that was the recipient of many compliments--here i am, writing this blog, a gefilte fish. She attached googly eyes on cotton balls and blue felt fins to a hooded sweatshirt. Oh yes, i had a tail, as well. Much amusement. Feel inclined to titter and snicker and snort. Ha-ha. Okay, that's enough. Next one who mocks me with laughter gets a Junkyard Dog headbutt. Actually, considering my luck, you'd get the headbutt, but you'd have a Wild Samoan Sika skull and wouldn't flinch. The pro wrestling devotees out there in McMahonLand know about what i type. Yeah, i have to admit, i was a hit at the Purim Carnival at the FVJC/Emek Shalom. Now, the outfit is a permanent costume for all occasions, calendar holiday or lassitude-fueled Sunday afternoons.

"Peeps". Okay, this is not safe. Clearly what are you eating, a sponge? i am referring to those Easter delicacies that populate the CVS and Walgreens for $1.09 a dozen. "Oh, it's Easter, it's the ascension of Jeez-Us-Kryst, let us rejoice with marshmallows." That J-C junk is toilet marmalade. My wife (WHAMMINESS DON'T COME CHEAP!! AIN'T NO COUPON CLIPPING TO GET THIS CROWN!) opens the package of Peeps and sets them atop the fridge to CEMENTIFY. If i shut the freezer door with unnecessary authority, one of those boulders conks my noggin into a Grand Slam breakfast platter. Ugh, these euphemisms require too much effort. IT HOITS!!!

i have a new toothbrush, the Reach Brightener, the one with the polishing pads. This is good, this is very good, a good thing is a rarity nowadays but let me put it this way: Coral is NOT a cast member of the latest Road Rules/Real World Challenge, so perhaps she has it all figured out right now. Yeah, that's likely. Optimistic? ME? Oy...

We went to eat at Applebee's this evening. My wife (TOO SLOW!! WATCH OUT!! WHAMMINESS AT THE WHEEL!! STEP TO THE SIDEWALK PLEASE!! THIS IS MY ROAD, CONSULT THE MANUAL! [i will tell you she drives quite competently, i have often informed her that she should star in a series of safe-driving films about motoring with responsibility in the Garden State]) parked the car as i acquired the table. i told the hostess to look for a cute, little lady with long, brown hair and a black jacket and send her in my direction. i saw my wife (WHAMMINESS WAS THE COOLEST CHICK OF THE 1990s! KRISS KROSS WILL MAKE YA...)enter the restaurant before the hostess could notice, so i waved her highness towards our booth. The hostess came to the table and repeated to her the description that i provided, it was smiles all around. good salad, too. i officially endorse the Santa Fe Chicken salad. *****

sayonara, Alaskans.

Yugoslavian Mindsludge

i attended college in Pennsylvania. The area is flooded with Mennonites, a faction of Amish (or is it the other way? addling topic!) that is differentiated by their need to shop at Wal-Mart and buy required household items such as Ritz crackers, Era Plus and Cocoa Pebbles. Yes, each of these products is as vital to the existence of the Mennonite Fighters of Crime and Tyranny as a Magic Bullet would be to the #1 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nemesis, The Shredder. Don't question, dreadnoks and dragon ladies; just move through the turnstile and deposit the necessary coinage into the slot.

While i am here, i will discuss the issue of resurrection. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon was a popular show from 1988 to 1996 that has seen several reincarnations in recent years, including a distasteful live-action show conceived in the vibe of the totally average cinematic trilogy of the early 90s and a less goofy version that debuted in 2001 that attempts to capture the comic book "feel" but ends up being unastonishing and mundane. I think the only cartoon character that has consistently been fun to watch throughout the years is Batman. The Filmation cartoons of the late 60's and late 70's were molded in the image of the camp live-action Adam West show--fun to watch, great stuff. Batman and Robin had those legendary guest star shots on "Scooby-Doo" and were consistently impressive on "Superfriends". Batman the Animated Series was spectacular and not at all condescending; Batman Beyond surprised me, also more than mildly entertaining. Uh oh, then 2004 saw the premiere of "The Batman" which is a legal right to self-inflicted premature demise. This is bad, folks, and i am forced to add this to the list. DEMERIT!!

Spider-Man of the 60's, WILD WILD WILD.
Spider-Man of the 80's (with and without his Amazing Friends), a refreshing change of pace and not worthy of contempt.
Spider-Man of the 90's, i am gonna be ill so go to the other side of the room and cover yourself with a tarp.

THIS HAS GOTTA STOP!!!

Sayonara, bushwhackers.

Spinedrifter

The insects crawling about on this rock aren't due to win awards for congeniality anytime soon, that's certain. One might consider that an unfortunate inevitability; i am included in the ranks of the unawed yet i am still sighing despondently...

By the by, ten years ago i was NOT a Starbucks person. i condemned the patrons and threw them hostile glances. Now, i've altered my attitude 180 degrees. Clearly anyone who objects vociferously to the coffeehouse chain is overlooking the tangible reality that the coffee is GOOD. Just don't make eye contact with anyone, order your coffee, and depart quickly. You don't have to philosophize, just suck in the caffeine and zip through your day.

Sayonara, shot-putters! <---giving all the rotten apples the middle finger. go ahead, bite it off, it's a hydra and six more will grow in its stead to plague the remainder of your pestiferous existence.

Stunned Beyond Articulation: The Las Vegas, NV Extended Version DVD with Additional Scenes and Director`s Commentary

Friday evening. An innocuous glance at my regularly rumpled countenance in the mirror. What do i spy, what doth plagueth my eye? There is a TENTACLE growing from the back of my left ear! An elongated tendril that threatened to strangle my cranium, my wife (THE WHAMMINESS SPRANG INTO ACTION WITH GARDEN SHEARS!! SHE IS DAUNTLESS!!), after taking a picture of the greasy ebony vine with her cellphone, detached the offending follicle from the victimized aural appendage with a precise swipe, and order was restored. This is the aging process, kids...surreptitiously ninja-like, feral and malevolent and just plain sucky.

We are proud to announce a new and welcome addition to our household: Optimum Online!! Now i can listen to TV Tunes on Radio@AOL, tormenting my long-suffering wife (THE WHAMMINESS LOVES HER HUSBAND BUT REALIZES HE NEEDS LOTS OF HELP IN SEVERAL DEPARTMENTS) with musical gems like Oscar the Grouch growling "I Love Trash" and the cast of "Frasier" singing the theme song from the James Bong flick "Goldfinger". Finally, my existence has been granted purpose!! <----Don't take that literally; bear in mind, i AM a lunatic.

Valentine's Day was great, bought flowers for my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS MANY VASES FOR MANY VARIETIES OF FLORA!) and mother-in-law. Folks that speak ill of the holiday should shush. A "friend" (of course, putting that word within quotation marks indicates she is not a friend at all!) sent a mass e-mail to condemn those that celebrate the holiday to death by stoning. CALLATE, CHICOS Y CHICAS! Ya bug me.

Random addition: DON'T SPILL THE FRIJOLES!

Sayonara, chromosome-abusers.

One-Uh-Oh, The Magic of Margins

1. My birthday is June 6. i am on the brink of 29, which means that 30 is rapidly approaching. Eh. I'll cope.

2. i was born in Bronx, NY, but my parents lived in Paramus, NJ at the time. Hackensack Medical Center was mere minutes away. Doesn't make sense to you? Really? Not the slightest bit logical? Excellent!! That means you're one of the good guys...

3. In case there was a tinge of doubt on a continent, let me clarify for the LAST time: the bad guys get all the good parking spots. ALL.

4. My parents were going to name me Morgan if i was female. Hollers "uptight, ostentatious C.E.O. with an SUV", huh? Yeah, i dodged a bullet. i dodged a mushroom cloud!

5. Having the first name Brandon bothered me until about ten, fifteen years ago when that horrid FOX teen drama (you know the one) made naming newborn males Brandon really really cool. i feel that the Brandons of the world shall rebel against our oppressors sometime in the near future. It is nice to be wanted.

6. i'm Irish and Italian, 50-50. Italia! Ireland, what have you done for me lately? Thanks for the lousy relatives, they have molded me into the neurotic nincompoop that i am today.

7. i'm not religious. i converted to Judaism because i love my wife (WHAMMY! GRAMMY! SHIM SHIM SHAMMY! SHE IS REGAL, SHE IS AUGUST, YOU CAN'T IGNORE IT, THAT'S JUST BOGUS!!) and her family illimitably. They have breathed new life into a form that should have packed it in and closed shop years ago. i am grateful, truly.

8. i'm the oldest of three boys, but i don't know them. let's shut that door and seal it ETERNALLY.

9. Bad news: i have inherited my late grandfather's hairline. Good news: i have also inherited his legendary prediclection towards caustic wit. These syllables slice salami, baby!!!

10. i have dark brown hair, dark eyes (ojos oscuros, en Espanol), and am most proud of the facial hair that has become my suit of bulletproof, flame-proof, life-proof Kevlar since setting root during the first Clinton administration.

11. I'm only 5'10". Uh-huh. Yep.

12. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS! SHOOT THE MOON!) is my nearest and dearest companion.

13. My first real best friends were the Superfriends. My wife (ARE YOU COGNIZANT?? VIGILANT AWARENESS OF THE WHAMMINESS SHOULD BE PART OF YOUR DAILY DIET OF NUTRITION) just heard me state that out loud and exclaimed "Oh, my god..."

14. i was a smart student who didn't have any tolerance for authority figures who demanded that i play nicely, so the end result was that my grades were substandard.

15. i wrote a play in the 10th grade with my friend, "The Mad Texan" Matt Ultsch, for my English 2 Honors class. It didn't have a plot and my classmates booed and hissed mercilessly.

16. i used to have fights with...everybody.

17. i used flash cards to earn straight A's for three years of high school Spanish classes. unfortunately, i did not maintain anything more than a rudimentary Sesame Street knowledge of the language. Flash cards ought to be banned.

18. My favorite class in high school was Public Speaking.

19. i used to teach 8th and 9th grade English; now i teach the SAT at the Huntington Learning Center in Manalapan, N.J.

20. Two of my girl friends from school (neither of whom i ever had a crush on), haha, funny story--turns out they never really cared for my company AT ALL. Alcohol revealed that devastating truth.

21. GODDAMMIT!!

22. i don't have crushes on any major or minor celebrities ccurrently. Read #75 for information on the one and only crush i DID have!

23. i think guys who refer to gel and mousse as "product" need to be beaten with Louisville Sluggers until all of their hair falls out.

24. The concept of playing "catch" with my kids is terrifying and nauseating.

25. For a while, i was secretly concerned that i died at birth and that my entire existence was only the fabricated "don't let this happen to you" worst case scenario of a middle school safety filmstrip.

26. i met my wife (SO YOU HAVEN'T MET THE WHAMMINESS..WELL THAT IS JUST A GOSHDARN LOW DOWN DIRTY SHAME BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU UNFIT TO SOCIALIZE WITH THOSE BLESSED FEW WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN MAGICALLY IMPROVED VIA AN AUDIENCE WITH THE WHAMMINESS!!) very inadvertently in what i refer to as "Plan Z". Something so ludicrous in origin became so miraculous in reason.

27. She is the greatest. PERIOD.

28. Many people have taken advantage of me, and i was too distracted by cable television to care. i love cable television, but it was still wrong. VERY wrong.

29. Now that doesn't happen anymore.

30. The stupidity WILL end. i maintain a scintilla of optimism because deep deep down i am a masochist.

31. The man or woman who created Caller ID is my hero.

32. i love my wife's reaction to getting mail...the sound of her shrieks of elation at the sound of the mailman opening the mailbox is the highlight of my day.

33. i drive a titanium-colored Honda Civic Coupe that does NOT have a spoiler because i don't want Godzilla to grab my car by that superfluous appendage and hurl me into the next millenium. Or, even worse...Bergen County!!

34. i am a safe driver. Do not believe what anyone else says or types to the contrary. Travelling via automobile is a nice, quiet morsel of tranquility that i shall never floss from betwixt my incisors.

35. When my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS A NEW JERSEY DRIVER'S LICENSE! THEY ARE HER CREDENTIALS TO DESTROYYYYYYYY!!) is driving and i ride shotgun, i cringe often unnecessarily and she chuckles gleefully.

36. i believe anything under 65 MPH is totally adequate.

37. i got my license at 17 1/2 after 3 tries.

38. The age at which i lost my virginity is not public information. Quit your nagging. I won't squeal.

39. i’ve been in love once (duh).

40. lust? The gray fuzzy shmootz that hibernates under the living room furniture and eats dimes? Can't harm me.

41. i don't subscribe to the notion of "friends with benefits". It is a bad trip, one way to Idiotville, non-stop, a bumpy ride on a caca-infested lane.

42. When i was a baby, i was dropped on my head in church. i consider this to be all the explanation that is necessary from this point forward.

43. #42 wasn't intentionally funny.

44. i think the phrase "touch base" is filthy.

45. i love to watch television, read comic books, and solve crossword puzzles.

46. i was in the Cub Scouts from September 1984 to October 1987.

47. i want to travel backwards through time to the moment in 1983 when Vince McMahon decided that Hulk Hogan was going to be the poster goon for the new World Wrestling Federation, extract that thought from his brain, and replace it with 3 words: SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA.

48. i'm enjoy being verbose and vocabularily redundant. i also like repeating myself.

49. #48 was a "funny".

50. If it is true that you only tease the ones you love...well, that is simply false, you don't only tease the ones you love, you also tease the people you hate and wish cancers and impotence upon.

51. i am not a sophisticated gourmand. i prefer to pour a bowl of cereal. My top 8 favorites (in no particular order) are: Cinnamon Life, Oreo O's, Cap'n Crunch, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cookie Crisp and Total Raisin Bran.

52. Challah bread is the best bread EVER!!!

53. i am addicted to coffee.
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE

54. Regardless of my love for java, my favorite beverage is ice tea.

55. Between July 1998 and July 2001, i was rarely spotted in public minus a gin and tonic. Nowadays, alcohol is utterly repugnant.

56. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS CRAVES A TOASTED BAGEL!!) will consider the following sentence to be blasphemy but i will endure: i don't like orange juice.

57. We were married on May 30th, 2004. With the exception of my obnoxious family, life as a newlywed has been superb.

58. Taking my wife's (THE WHAMMINESS FEELS THE LOVE!! IT IS WARM LIKE A BURRITO FRESH FROM THE MICROWAVE!)last name is a privilege and i shall endeavor to bring honor and integrity to that name.

59. i've been to the West Coast. it's boring.

60. I've also been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, New York, Virginia, New Hampshire, California, Maryland, Florida, and Louisiana.

61. My favorite place on earth is Barnes and Noble.

62. My second favorite is my living room because that is where the big t.v is!! (Anyone anticipating any other manner of answer is daft.)

63. i am unabashedly apathetic about politics. i relish in my indifference so don't engage me in conversation on the matter, i will only respond with toilet language.

64. i'm not indecisive, i am irritatingly amenable.

65. Half empty? Half full? Isn't there something on television that we all could be viewing?

66. i spend a lot of money on eBay, but not nearly as much as i did in 2000!!! March 19, 1999 was the day that i was introduced to eBay by my collegiate friend Jorn, an impish rogue who more than vaguely resembled an Animaniac.

67. i am proud to be a member of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity. Gives me an excuse to own a ridiculous number of t-shirts bearing skulls and crossbones.

68. Skulls and crossbones RULE!

69. When i buy presents for folks, i keep them well hidden. Sorry, honey!!

70. There is a little girl from Guatemala who desperately needs appropriate gym sneakers, and i will provide her with the required footwear.

71. Superman is neat but Captain America is neater!

72. i used to watch "Wheel of Fortune" with my parents and would shout out the answer after 1 letter was revealed. i would receive a reprimand and my mother would turn the channel to "Entertainment Tonight".

73. i watch "Degrassi: The Next Generation" religiously. May i editorialize? Thank you...Toby and Liberty should star in a spin-off. Emma should be eaten by a killer whale. That show really DOES go there.

74. i love "Head of the Class" and wish that it would air on TV Land.

75. Staci Keanan, the girl from the better-than-average NBC sitcom "My Two Dads" and the oldest daughter from the how-the-hell-did-this-show-last-seven-seasons ABC sitcom "Step by Step", was my one and ONLY celebrity crush.

76. Sadly, i never saw the final episode of "My Two Dads", so i don't know who the dad is. Makes me want to weep pitifully. I'VE GOTTA KNOW!! PUT THE SHOW BACK ON THE AIR!! USA NETWORK, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!

77. My favorite movie is "12 Angry Men".

78. My second favorite is any 1970's Irwin Allen disaster epic--"Earthquake", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", etc.

79. During my adolescence, i subscribed to several different magazines: Boy's Life, National Geographic World, WWF Magazine, Inside Wrestling, The Wrestler, and Pro Wrestling Illustrated. The only comic book to which i ever had a subscription was Avengers, in 1983.

80. As a teenager, my walls were littered with posters of Def Leppard, Slaughter, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Faith No More, the "Tales from the Darkside" movie poster, Gumby, Green Lantern, and Albert Einstein.

81. "Rent" may be my favorite musical, but i sure do hate to pay it!

82. i don't know the meaning of life. i know that Monty Python has several strong opinions and would engage in lively discourse on the matter but that's a terrific waste of seconds that would be more wisely utilized putting together Lego statues of members of 80's hair metal bands.

83. My favorite book is "Alice in Wonderland".

84. My favorite ice cream flavor is Cookies 'n' Cream.

85. i like to dance in the grocery store, preferably in aisles heavily populated by old ladies or soccer moms with frizzy hair.

86. There are gargoyles all over my apartment. They like to dine on Jehovah's Witnesses. YES, THAT WAS A WARNING.

87. My nicknames are Coroner, Ish, B, and Bran. i am called Ish because that is when i always to call my wife (WHEN ARE YOU CALLING THE WHAMMINESS? SEVEN-ISH!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME FROM WORK TO EMBRACE THE WHAMMINESS LOVINGLY? NINE-ISH!)

88. i've broken my ankle and all of my ten toes on different occasions.

89. Mumbling incoherently in those nanoseconds before i enter the realm of ZZZZ is an involuntary action that my wife (WHAMMINESS-A-GO-GO) deems totally freakin' hysterical.

90. Once, outside of the Christmas Tree Shop in CT, i fell on the ice and my wife (WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR LEFT LEG! WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR RIGHT LEG!! FLAP YOUR ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN!! YOU ARE OUT! WHAMMINESS DID NOT INDICATE APPROPRIATELY!! YOU MUST PERISH!!) and her mom fled the scene like Bonnie and Clyde. Fun times.

91. Muumuus are never flattering.

92. i don't condone gambling but i am a Bingo freakazoid.

93. i share a birthday with Sandra Bernhard, Freddy Krueger, the drummer from Iron Maiden, and the Riddler.

94. i collect cartoons on DVD and VHS because the characters in the cartoons with which i grew up are the only ones who ever listened to me. That's the truth. Thank you, Dyno-Mutt. You're a good friend, Igoo the Rock Ape. You're the man, Spider-Man!!

95. Sing. Sing a song. Sing of good things, not bad. Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say, just zip the lips. It's a basic rule that you all learned in kindergarten, so let's stick to it.

96. Muppets make us ALL happy.

97. The first album I ever got with my own money was "Peace Sells...but Who's Buying?" by Megadeth.

98. It's really a shame what happened to Megadeth.

99. i love pro wrestling.

100. ..and now my song is done!