Spinedrifter

The insects crawling about on this rock aren't due to win awards for congeniality anytime soon, that's certain. One might consider that an unfortunate inevitability; i am included in the ranks of the unawed yet i am still sighing despondently...

By the by, ten years ago i was NOT a Starbucks person. i condemned the patrons and threw them hostile glances. Now, i've altered my attitude 180 degrees. Clearly anyone who objects vociferously to the coffeehouse chain is overlooking the tangible reality that the coffee is GOOD. Just don't make eye contact with anyone, order your coffee, and depart quickly. You don't have to philosophize, just suck in the caffeine and zip through your day.

Sayonara, shot-putters! <---giving all the rotten apples the middle finger. go ahead, bite it off, it's a hydra and six more will grow in its stead to plague the remainder of your pestiferous existence.

Stunned Beyond Articulation: The Las Vegas, NV Extended Version DVD with Additional Scenes and Director`s Commentary

Friday evening. An innocuous glance at my regularly rumpled countenance in the mirror. What do i spy, what doth plagueth my eye? There is a TENTACLE growing from the back of my left ear! An elongated tendril that threatened to strangle my cranium, my wife (THE WHAMMINESS SPRANG INTO ACTION WITH GARDEN SHEARS!! SHE IS DAUNTLESS!!), after taking a picture of the greasy ebony vine with her cellphone, detached the offending follicle from the victimized aural appendage with a precise swipe, and order was restored. This is the aging process, kids...surreptitiously ninja-like, feral and malevolent and just plain sucky.

We are proud to announce a new and welcome addition to our household: Optimum Online!! Now i can listen to TV Tunes on Radio@AOL, tormenting my long-suffering wife (THE WHAMMINESS LOVES HER HUSBAND BUT REALIZES HE NEEDS LOTS OF HELP IN SEVERAL DEPARTMENTS) with musical gems like Oscar the Grouch growling "I Love Trash" and the cast of "Frasier" singing the theme song from the James Bong flick "Goldfinger". Finally, my existence has been granted purpose!! <----Don't take that literally; bear in mind, i AM a lunatic.

Valentine's Day was great, bought flowers for my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS MANY VASES FOR MANY VARIETIES OF FLORA!) and mother-in-law. Folks that speak ill of the holiday should shush. A "friend" (of course, putting that word within quotation marks indicates she is not a friend at all!) sent a mass e-mail to condemn those that celebrate the holiday to death by stoning. CALLATE, CHICOS Y CHICAS! Ya bug me.

Random addition: DON'T SPILL THE FRIJOLES!

Sayonara, chromosome-abusers.

One-Uh-Oh, The Magic of Margins

1. My birthday is June 6. i am on the brink of 29, which means that 30 is rapidly approaching. Eh. I'll cope.

2. i was born in Bronx, NY, but my parents lived in Paramus, NJ at the time. Hackensack Medical Center was mere minutes away. Doesn't make sense to you? Really? Not the slightest bit logical? Excellent!! That means you're one of the good guys...

3. In case there was a tinge of doubt on a continent, let me clarify for the LAST time: the bad guys get all the good parking spots. ALL.

4. My parents were going to name me Morgan if i was female. Hollers "uptight, ostentatious C.E.O. with an SUV", huh? Yeah, i dodged a bullet. i dodged a mushroom cloud!

5. Having the first name Brandon bothered me until about ten, fifteen years ago when that horrid FOX teen drama (you know the one) made naming newborn males Brandon really really cool. i feel that the Brandons of the world shall rebel against our oppressors sometime in the near future. It is nice to be wanted.

6. i'm Irish and Italian, 50-50. Italia! Ireland, what have you done for me lately? Thanks for the lousy relatives, they have molded me into the neurotic nincompoop that i am today.

7. i'm not religious. i converted to Judaism because i love my wife (WHAMMY! GRAMMY! SHIM SHIM SHAMMY! SHE IS REGAL, SHE IS AUGUST, YOU CAN'T IGNORE IT, THAT'S JUST BOGUS!!) and her family illimitably. They have breathed new life into a form that should have packed it in and closed shop years ago. i am grateful, truly.

8. i'm the oldest of three boys, but i don't know them. let's shut that door and seal it ETERNALLY.

9. Bad news: i have inherited my late grandfather's hairline. Good news: i have also inherited his legendary prediclection towards caustic wit. These syllables slice salami, baby!!!

10. i have dark brown hair, dark eyes (ojos oscuros, en Espanol), and am most proud of the facial hair that has become my suit of bulletproof, flame-proof, life-proof Kevlar since setting root during the first Clinton administration.

11. I'm only 5'10". Uh-huh. Yep.

12. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS! SHOOT THE MOON!) is my nearest and dearest companion.

13. My first real best friends were the Superfriends. My wife (ARE YOU COGNIZANT?? VIGILANT AWARENESS OF THE WHAMMINESS SHOULD BE PART OF YOUR DAILY DIET OF NUTRITION) just heard me state that out loud and exclaimed "Oh, my god..."

14. i was a smart student who didn't have any tolerance for authority figures who demanded that i play nicely, so the end result was that my grades were substandard.

15. i wrote a play in the 10th grade with my friend, "The Mad Texan" Matt Ultsch, for my English 2 Honors class. It didn't have a plot and my classmates booed and hissed mercilessly.

16. i used to have fights with...everybody.

17. i used flash cards to earn straight A's for three years of high school Spanish classes. unfortunately, i did not maintain anything more than a rudimentary Sesame Street knowledge of the language. Flash cards ought to be banned.

18. My favorite class in high school was Public Speaking.

19. i used to teach 8th and 9th grade English; now i teach the SAT at the Huntington Learning Center in Manalapan, N.J.

20. Two of my girl friends from school (neither of whom i ever had a crush on), haha, funny story--turns out they never really cared for my company AT ALL. Alcohol revealed that devastating truth.

21. GODDAMMIT!!

22. i don't have crushes on any major or minor celebrities ccurrently. Read #75 for information on the one and only crush i DID have!

23. i think guys who refer to gel and mousse as "product" need to be beaten with Louisville Sluggers until all of their hair falls out.

24. The concept of playing "catch" with my kids is terrifying and nauseating.

25. For a while, i was secretly concerned that i died at birth and that my entire existence was only the fabricated "don't let this happen to you" worst case scenario of a middle school safety filmstrip.

26. i met my wife (SO YOU HAVEN'T MET THE WHAMMINESS..WELL THAT IS JUST A GOSHDARN LOW DOWN DIRTY SHAME BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU UNFIT TO SOCIALIZE WITH THOSE BLESSED FEW WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN MAGICALLY IMPROVED VIA AN AUDIENCE WITH THE WHAMMINESS!!) very inadvertently in what i refer to as "Plan Z". Something so ludicrous in origin became so miraculous in reason.

27. She is the greatest. PERIOD.

28. Many people have taken advantage of me, and i was too distracted by cable television to care. i love cable television, but it was still wrong. VERY wrong.

29. Now that doesn't happen anymore.

30. The stupidity WILL end. i maintain a scintilla of optimism because deep deep down i am a masochist.

31. The man or woman who created Caller ID is my hero.

32. i love my wife's reaction to getting mail...the sound of her shrieks of elation at the sound of the mailman opening the mailbox is the highlight of my day.

33. i drive a titanium-colored Honda Civic Coupe that does NOT have a spoiler because i don't want Godzilla to grab my car by that superfluous appendage and hurl me into the next millenium. Or, even worse...Bergen County!!

34. i am a safe driver. Do not believe what anyone else says or types to the contrary. Travelling via automobile is a nice, quiet morsel of tranquility that i shall never floss from betwixt my incisors.

35. When my wife (THE WHAMMINESS HAS A NEW JERSEY DRIVER'S LICENSE! THEY ARE HER CREDENTIALS TO DESTROYYYYYYYY!!) is driving and i ride shotgun, i cringe often unnecessarily and she chuckles gleefully.

36. i believe anything under 65 MPH is totally adequate.

37. i got my license at 17 1/2 after 3 tries.

38. The age at which i lost my virginity is not public information. Quit your nagging. I won't squeal.

39. i’ve been in love once (duh).

40. lust? The gray fuzzy shmootz that hibernates under the living room furniture and eats dimes? Can't harm me.

41. i don't subscribe to the notion of "friends with benefits". It is a bad trip, one way to Idiotville, non-stop, a bumpy ride on a caca-infested lane.

42. When i was a baby, i was dropped on my head in church. i consider this to be all the explanation that is necessary from this point forward.

43. #42 wasn't intentionally funny.

44. i think the phrase "touch base" is filthy.

45. i love to watch television, read comic books, and solve crossword puzzles.

46. i was in the Cub Scouts from September 1984 to October 1987.

47. i want to travel backwards through time to the moment in 1983 when Vince McMahon decided that Hulk Hogan was going to be the poster goon for the new World Wrestling Federation, extract that thought from his brain, and replace it with 3 words: SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA.

48. i'm enjoy being verbose and vocabularily redundant. i also like repeating myself.

49. #48 was a "funny".

50. If it is true that you only tease the ones you love...well, that is simply false, you don't only tease the ones you love, you also tease the people you hate and wish cancers and impotence upon.

51. i am not a sophisticated gourmand. i prefer to pour a bowl of cereal. My top 8 favorites (in no particular order) are: Cinnamon Life, Oreo O's, Cap'n Crunch, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cookie Crisp and Total Raisin Bran.

52. Challah bread is the best bread EVER!!!

53. i am addicted to coffee.
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE

54. Regardless of my love for java, my favorite beverage is ice tea.

55. Between July 1998 and July 2001, i was rarely spotted in public minus a gin and tonic. Nowadays, alcohol is utterly repugnant.

56. My wife (THE WHAMMINESS CRAVES A TOASTED BAGEL!!) will consider the following sentence to be blasphemy but i will endure: i don't like orange juice.

57. We were married on May 30th, 2004. With the exception of my obnoxious family, life as a newlywed has been superb.

58. Taking my wife's (THE WHAMMINESS FEELS THE LOVE!! IT IS WARM LIKE A BURRITO FRESH FROM THE MICROWAVE!)last name is a privilege and i shall endeavor to bring honor and integrity to that name.

59. i've been to the West Coast. it's boring.

60. I've also been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, New York, Virginia, New Hampshire, California, Maryland, Florida, and Louisiana.

61. My favorite place on earth is Barnes and Noble.

62. My second favorite is my living room because that is where the big t.v is!! (Anyone anticipating any other manner of answer is daft.)

63. i am unabashedly apathetic about politics. i relish in my indifference so don't engage me in conversation on the matter, i will only respond with toilet language.

64. i'm not indecisive, i am irritatingly amenable.

65. Half empty? Half full? Isn't there something on television that we all could be viewing?

66. i spend a lot of money on eBay, but not nearly as much as i did in 2000!!! March 19, 1999 was the day that i was introduced to eBay by my collegiate friend Jorn, an impish rogue who more than vaguely resembled an Animaniac.

67. i am proud to be a member of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity. Gives me an excuse to own a ridiculous number of t-shirts bearing skulls and crossbones.

68. Skulls and crossbones RULE!

69. When i buy presents for folks, i keep them well hidden. Sorry, honey!!

70. There is a little girl from Guatemala who desperately needs appropriate gym sneakers, and i will provide her with the required footwear.

71. Superman is neat but Captain America is neater!

72. i used to watch "Wheel of Fortune" with my parents and would shout out the answer after 1 letter was revealed. i would receive a reprimand and my mother would turn the channel to "Entertainment Tonight".

73. i watch "Degrassi: The Next Generation" religiously. May i editorialize? Thank you...Toby and Liberty should star in a spin-off. Emma should be eaten by a killer whale. That show really DOES go there.

74. i love "Head of the Class" and wish that it would air on TV Land.

75. Staci Keanan, the girl from the better-than-average NBC sitcom "My Two Dads" and the oldest daughter from the how-the-hell-did-this-show-last-seven-seasons ABC sitcom "Step by Step", was my one and ONLY celebrity crush.

76. Sadly, i never saw the final episode of "My Two Dads", so i don't know who the dad is. Makes me want to weep pitifully. I'VE GOTTA KNOW!! PUT THE SHOW BACK ON THE AIR!! USA NETWORK, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!

77. My favorite movie is "12 Angry Men".

78. My second favorite is any 1970's Irwin Allen disaster epic--"Earthquake", "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure", etc.

79. During my adolescence, i subscribed to several different magazines: Boy's Life, National Geographic World, WWF Magazine, Inside Wrestling, The Wrestler, and Pro Wrestling Illustrated. The only comic book to which i ever had a subscription was Avengers, in 1983.

80. As a teenager, my walls were littered with posters of Def Leppard, Slaughter, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Faith No More, the "Tales from the Darkside" movie poster, Gumby, Green Lantern, and Albert Einstein.

81. "Rent" may be my favorite musical, but i sure do hate to pay it!

82. i don't know the meaning of life. i know that Monty Python has several strong opinions and would engage in lively discourse on the matter but that's a terrific waste of seconds that would be more wisely utilized putting together Lego statues of members of 80's hair metal bands.

83. My favorite book is "Alice in Wonderland".

84. My favorite ice cream flavor is Cookies 'n' Cream.

85. i like to dance in the grocery store, preferably in aisles heavily populated by old ladies or soccer moms with frizzy hair.

86. There are gargoyles all over my apartment. They like to dine on Jehovah's Witnesses. YES, THAT WAS A WARNING.

87. My nicknames are Coroner, Ish, B, and Bran. i am called Ish because that is when i always to call my wife (WHEN ARE YOU CALLING THE WHAMMINESS? SEVEN-ISH!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME FROM WORK TO EMBRACE THE WHAMMINESS LOVINGLY? NINE-ISH!)

88. i've broken my ankle and all of my ten toes on different occasions.

89. Mumbling incoherently in those nanoseconds before i enter the realm of ZZZZ is an involuntary action that my wife (WHAMMINESS-A-GO-GO) deems totally freakin' hysterical.

90. Once, outside of the Christmas Tree Shop in CT, i fell on the ice and my wife (WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR LEFT LEG! WHAMMINESS SAYS HOP ON YOUR RIGHT LEG!! FLAP YOUR ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN!! YOU ARE OUT! WHAMMINESS DID NOT INDICATE APPROPRIATELY!! YOU MUST PERISH!!) and her mom fled the scene like Bonnie and Clyde. Fun times.

91. Muumuus are never flattering.

92. i don't condone gambling but i am a Bingo freakazoid.

93. i share a birthday with Sandra Bernhard, Freddy Krueger, the drummer from Iron Maiden, and the Riddler.

94. i collect cartoons on DVD and VHS because the characters in the cartoons with which i grew up are the only ones who ever listened to me. That's the truth. Thank you, Dyno-Mutt. You're a good friend, Igoo the Rock Ape. You're the man, Spider-Man!!

95. Sing. Sing a song. Sing of good things, not bad. Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say, just zip the lips. It's a basic rule that you all learned in kindergarten, so let's stick to it.

96. Muppets make us ALL happy.

97. The first album I ever got with my own money was "Peace Sells...but Who's Buying?" by Megadeth.

98. It's really a shame what happened to Megadeth.

99. i love pro wrestling.

100. ..and now my song is done!

Mine is the Picture of an Agitated Soul

Spirits in torment, Eternal damnation, Gum on the bottom of your Adidas, blah blah blah WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!

Andrew Dice Clay, were you ever funny? i saw "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane". Did you enjoy your shiny glossiness, your 30 seconds of house-to-house dinner table conversation, your piece of nostalgia? Enjoy the niche you've carved, Dice. i sense the walls are closing in on your Aqua Velva. Beware of koalas with hiccups!

My wife (THE WHAMMINESS WANTS A SANDWICH!! FETCH THE ROYAL BOLOGNA AND SWISS CHEESE!) has beseeched me with cuteness to compose a list of 100 "things" people should know about me. i have given this matter tremendous pontification. This topic has assumed moments otherwise spent musing upon kitty litter and Blue Oyster Cult songs. Alright, i guess i'm ready to do this...it's gonna be a little scary but it's honest.

1. i am 117 days away from my 29th birthday and i don't mind.

okay. that was painless. i'll just move right along here...

2. A malevolent, demonic, horrific, terrifying, totally harsh, supernaturally pissed-off gargoyle of immeasurably and inevitably devastating potency can condemn me to a limited menu of skim milk and breakfast cereal and i would not flinch. My apathy would mar his/her/its agenda of torture but disappointment should not be exclusive to the mortal folks. i'm sure you agree. (actually, if you have read this much, you ought to earn a military commendation)

3. There is an abundance of stupidity in the world. i rant and rave and carry on, sometimes like a rabid terrier, about the whole mess but i'll be frank--all of my kvetching falls upon deaf ears. i'll adjust.

4. i am never able to trim my fingernails adequately. Always looks like the aftermath of a gruesome traffic accident on the New Jersey Turnpike. DON'T LOOK AT THAT, HAVE THIS COOKIE AND WATCH THE "DORA THE EXPLORER" DVD!!!

5. i like the SAT. i like analogies. The SAT Verbal section and i are bosom buddies; inseparable and at times combative but there's an unspoken mutual admiration that keeps the relationship healthy. Teaching the SAT is FUN.

6. This realization struck me in a dream, like a copper penny from the 8th floor: there is no EZ Pass at the tollbooth to Hell. i am not quite certain that Hell exists, but if it does, i hope that travellers have exact change.

The Whamminess has just informed me that i am doing this all wrong. My approach must not be verbose. Okey doke, poinsettas, i'll change my angle.

Not right now, tho...

g'night, guinea pigs.

Butternut Tuxedoes (Case Study #817G)

Productive 24 hours, it's been. After 98 visits to the toilet thanks to a dining experience at Applebee's gone hideously awry, i awakened at 7:31 a.m. to the dulcet tones of birds chirping. This avian awakening was a mechanical facsimile of the real thing, conceived and blasted with ferocity from my clock radio, a contraption that is often host to demonic infestation. Of course, this abrupt audio anarchy ejects my lovely wife (GENUFLECT IN THE AUGUST PRESENCE OF THE WHAMMINESS! OBJECTORS TO HER AUTHORITY SHALL RECEIVE REPRIMAND AND SHAME! REPRIMAND AND SHAME F*#$KING HURTS!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!) from gentle slumber, causing her to scream bloody murder in fragmented tongues. i answered instantaneously by slamming my fist onto the snooze button, which increased the dissonance exponentially, reverting the chirps and peep-peeps to a nightmarish growl that can best be described as a corpulent Republican senator from Texas being violently sucked into a vortex of inhuman despair lips-first. Another piledriver of bone and flesh onto the snooze button terminated that satanic symphony, i kissed my wife (WHAMMINESS! READ THE BILLBOARDS! IT IS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO BEHOLD!), and thus the day commenced...

Honestly, working at the Huntington Learning Center handling the daily scheduling of students with teachers and doing a hefty amount of educating myself in the category of the ultra-nifty wow-wow SAT Verbal sections is a profession that i wear like a hooded sweatshirt on a cold winter morn--comforting and invulnerable. i don't ordinarily frequent the joint on Saturdays but sometimes (5-6 times a year) the need arises for this wayward son of *insert your best punchline here* to make a guest appearance on the weekend shift. It's a great gig, and i get to fight crime! If you question my duty, you're basically etching your own tombstone so don't tempt the leprechaun, kids...

We came. We saw. We crafted.
After work, my wife (THE WHAMMINESS IN 3-D!! ENGAGE THE GOGGLES AND PREPARE FOR A JOURNEY THAT SHALL REDUCE YOUR INTELLECTS TO OATMEAL! THE WHAMMINESS HAS SPOKEN!) and i painted decorative plates at "A Time to Kiln" and witnessed many wanton acts of poor parenting at a birthday party in the back room. It's not the children, it's the parents...trust me...something has to be done...i'm working on it.

Another busy day in the life of an anti-hero.

sayonara, slidesuckers.

Tie Your Shoelaces Tightly

Tie 'em tightly, grab a coffee, and WALK. WALK to work, WALK to school, WALK to Toys r US, WALK to Dairy Queen, WALK to the movie theater, WALK to the video store, WALK WALK WALK and DON'T GET ON AIRPLANES because they are just plain ridiculous contraptions that scream death and despair at all decibels of sound.

Another airplane headbutted an edifice this morning in beautiful downtown Pitstain...i mean, Teterboro, New Jersey. Do i care? Is this important? After what happened on September 11, 2001, can ANYTHING be slightly comparable to that debacle?!? NO. Watching the news on television and keeping tabs on the repeated acts of stupidity perpetrated and perpuated by humankind is akin to sado-masochism.

i hate airplanes, and i detest even further when the need to broadcast the details of the calamity supercede a network's responsibility to their regularly scheduled programming.

The stupidity's gotta end eventually...right??